New-Mother Worry: When You Keep Checking If the Baby Is Breathing

Quick answer: most of the worry a new mother feels is ordinary. It needs calm, not alarm: knowing that this is normal, that it is a stage, and that it will pass. But if the worry or sadness doesn’t lift, gets worse, or stops you sleeping even when the baby sleeps, talk to a doctor.

You put him down, you walk away, and then you come back to check he’s breathing. Five minutes later, again. A noise in the night and you’re up. Every rash, every cough, every unusual sound feels like a warning.

My view: calm, not alarm

In my experience, and from many people around me, most of this worry is not an illness. It is a mother meeting the most important responsibility of her life for the first time. Of course she watches everything.

What she needs most is not more fear. She needs to calm down and know that this is normal. It is a stage, and it will pass. Every stage of your son’s or daughter’s life will have its difficulties and its beautiful things. This stage’s difficulty is the worry. Its beauty is everything else.

What calms the worry

• Share the night. A mother who never sleeps worries more. Let the father, or someone you trust, take a shift. See The First Year Is a Job for Two.
• Learn the baby. The more you know his normal sounds, colors and sleep, the less every small change will frighten you. Write a few notes each day for the first weeks.
• Ask, once. If something worries you, ask your doctor, midwife or health visitor. One clear answer calms more than a hundred searches at night.
• Put the phone down at night. Searching symptoms at three in the morning feeds the worry, it doesn’t answer it.
• Say it out loud. To your husband, your mother, a friend. Worry kept inside grows.

Where the line is

Ordinary worry comes and goes, and it eases as you get to know your baby. Something more may be happening if it doesn’t ease.

NHS guidance describes low mood and tearfulness in the first days after birth: “This is often called the ‘baby blues’”, and it usually fades within days. About postnatal depression it says: “It can start at any point in the first year after giving birth and may develop suddenly or gradually” (NHS 111 Wales: Postnatal depression).

So talk to your doctor or health visitor if, for more than two weeks:

• the worry or sadness is there most of the day, most days
• you can’t sleep even when the baby is asleep and someone else is with him
• you feel you can’t cope, or you feel nothing at all
• you have frightening thoughts that won’t go away

As the same guidance puts it: “It’s important to seek help as soon as possible if you think you might be depressed.”

When it cannot wait

There is one rarer illness every family should know about. The NHS says: “Postpartum psychosis is a serious mental illness that should be treated as a medical emergency.” Its signs include “hallucinations – hearing, seeing, smelling or feeling things that are not there”, “delusions – suspicions, fears, thoughts or beliefs that are unlikely to be true”, “mania – feeling very “high” or overactive” and “feeling very confused.” The NHS advises: “See a GP immediately if you think you, or someone you know, may have developed symptoms of postpartum psychosis,” and “Go to A&E or call 999 if you think you, or someone you know, may be in danger of imminent harm” (NHS: Postpartum psychosis). Outside the UK, call your local emergency number.

If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, don’t wait for an appointment: call your emergency number or a crisis line now, and ask someone to stay with you.

You are discovering a new person too

While your baby discovers a whole new world, you are discovering a new person in yourself: a mother. That takes time. Give it time.

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Next step

On a heavy day, keep three things and let the rest go. Low battery day → My week map →

Sources

• NHS Wales 111. New moms feeling depressed. 111.wales.nhs.uk

Where you live: some guidance quoted here is from the UK's health service. A "GP" is your family doctor, and 111 and 999 are UK numbers. Use your own doctor, health line and emergency number.