The Parent Who Carries It: For Parents of Children With Extra Needs
Everyone on your child's team has a job description and a day off. You have neither. Two questions to ask yourself each week, a list worth writing once, and what to hand to someone else.
The short answer: if you’re raising a child with extra needs, you carry more than anyone sees. Once a week, take five minutes and ask two questions: what am I carrying that the team may not see, and what do I need someone else to own this week? Then hand something over.
The teacher has working hours. The therapist has a schedule. The doctor sees your child twice a year. Everyone on your child’s team has a job description and a day off.
You have neither.
You remember the appointments, chase the forms, explain your child to every new person, notice every small change, hold the meltdowns, fight for the support, and then make dinner. And because you love your child, you rarely say any of it out loud.
Two questions, once a week
Take five minutes. No fixing, no planning. Just notice how the week felt, and answer:
- What am I carrying that the team may not see?
- What do I need someone else to own this week?
Write the answers somewhere you’ll see them again.
Two lists worth writing once
Things only I seem to do. List them all, once. The calls, the forms, the remembering, the explaining, the nights. Many parents are surprised how long this list is. Seeing it on paper is the first step to sharing it.
People who have offered to help. A grandmother, a sister, a neighbor, a friend from the school gate, the other parent. Write their names. Next to each, one thing they could actually take: one pickup a week, one evening, one phone call to the school.
Then ask. Not “if you ever have time”. A real request: “Could you take him on Thursdays after school?”
Go easy on yourself
I say this to every parent who carries too much: you are one person, not a whole team. A parent who never rests eventually breaks, and then the child loses the person they need most.
And the brothers and sisters notice too. I wrote about them in Siblings of a Child With Extra Needs.
When to get help
If “too much” keeps coming up week after week, say it out loud: to someone you trust, to your own doctor, or to your child’s care team. If you feel low, hopeless or unable to cope most days, talk to your doctor. That isn’t weakness. It’s keeping the most important person on the team standing.
Next step
See what you carry alone, and what can be shared. Load map → Low battery day →