The Picture We Still Keep: When Your Child Has Grown and the House Hasn't
Parents often keep speaking to the child their son or daughter used to be. Why an old picture causes new fights, and how to let the house and its rules grow with the child.
The short answer: children change faster than our picture of them. A rule that fit a nine-year-old may not fit a twelve-year-old, and a teenager may still be treated like the child of five years ago. Look at your picture, and your rules, again every year.
There is a picture of each child that a parent carries inside. Often it was taken years ago. The cheeky five-year-old. The clingy seven-year-old. The child who couldn’t be trusted to remember anything.
The child grew. The picture didn’t.
What an old picture does
A teenager who is still spoken to like a child of nine will fight to be seen as who they are now. Much of what parents call rudeness at thirteen is a young person shouting, in their own way: I’m not that child any more.
The opposite happens too. A child who was the “sensible one” at eight may be struggling at fourteen, and nobody notices because the old picture says they’re fine.
This is what I mean when I say parents keep searching for the child who left. The child isn’t coming back. A new person is forming in their place. The question is whether we’re willing to meet them.
The house must grow too
It isn’t only the picture. The rules have to grow as well. A bedtime, a curfew, a phone rule, a job at home: each was right at a certain age. A rule can stay the same while the child becomes someone new, and suddenly a fair rule feels like a cage.
Five rules to look at again
Once a year, maybe at each birthday, look again at:
- Bedtime. Does it still fit their age and their needs?
- Going out. Where can they go, with whom, until when?
- The phone. What’s agreed, and is it still the right agreement?
- Money. Pocket money, what they pay for themselves, what they save.
- Responsibility. What jobs are theirs at home? Have they outgrown them, or are they ready for more?
Do it with them, not to them. “You’re older now. Let’s look at the rules again.” A child who hears this feels seen. Some rules will loosen. Some may tighten. Both are fine when they fit the child of today.
Updating the picture
Ask yourself: if I met my child today for the first time, as a stranger, what would I notice? What are they good at now? What worries them now? What do they care about now?
Then speak to that person.
Next step
Plan a talk with the child they are today. Check the moment, and get the first words to say. Before you talk →