Stepparent of a Teenager: Respect Before Love

To the stepmother or stepfather of a teenager,

You may feel like a stranger in your own home. Silence when you walk in. Doors closing. A joke at your expense. You try, and it bounces off a wall.

I want to tell you why, and what to aim for instead.

It is about loyalty, not about you

A teenager may feel that being kind to you is a betrayal of their mother or father. Even if that parent is far away. Even if that parent is gone, or let them down. Liking you can feel to them like choosing a side, and they refuse to choose.

So the coldness is often not a judgment of you. It is a teenager protecting a loyalty.

Don’t ask to be loved

The quickest way to lose a teenager is to ask for their love, or to present yourself as a replacement for their parent. Don’t.

Aim for something smaller, and much stronger: mutual respect, and a decent life together under one roof. Polite greetings. Fair rules. No insults in either direction. That is a real goal, and it is reachable.

Love, if it comes, comes later, on its own, and usually when nobody is asking for it.

When they say “You’re not my dad”

Don’t argue and don’t look hurt. Agree, calmly: “You’re right. I’m not, and I’m not trying to take his place. I’m the adult who lives here, and we both deserve respect.” Then leave it. The sentence loses its power when it doesn’t get a reaction.

Give them space, and keep out of their secrets

• Their room is theirs. Knock. Don’t search it.
• Their friends, phone and private life are first their parent’s business, not yours. Don’t try to be the one who watches.
• Their decisions about school, clothes and friends belong to them and their parent. Offer your view only when asked.
• Clear privacy at home. Closed doors are respected, everyone dresses appropriately in shared rooms, and the bathroom and bedrooms are private. With a teenager who is not your own child, these lines protect everyone and help the teen feel safe.

Hold a few lines with your partner

You do have a right to respect in your own home. Agree with your partner on a few basic lines, such as no insults, common courtesy, shared jobs, and let your partner be the one who enforces them. You stand next to them, calm.

Look after yourself

This can be lonely. Talk to your partner when the teenager isn’t listening. Talk to other stepparents. And remember: you are not being judged on whether this teenager loves you. You are being judged on whether you were fair, steady and kind. That part is in your hands.

More: Becoming a Stepparent and “You’re Not My Real Dad!”

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Next step

This week, stop one thing you do to win them over, and agree with your partner on three house lines they will hold. Before you talk → Care agreement →