Should I Make My Child Kiss and Hug Relatives? Respect for Elders and the Child's Body

The aunt bends down. “Give me a kiss!” Your child hides behind your legs. Everyone looks at you. And you say what your own parents said: “Go on, kiss your aunt. Don’t be rude.”

It feels like manners. But think about what the child actually learns in that moment.

The honest answer: teach a greeting, not a kiss

Respect for elders matters, in every culture. A child should greet the people who come to the house. Ignoring a grandparent is not acceptable.

But a greeting and a kiss are not the same thing. When we push a child to kiss or hug someone when they don’t want to, the lesson underneath is: when an adult wants something from your body, your feelings don’t count. Do it to keep them happy.

That is the exact lesson that makes a child easier to harm. People who abuse children usually rely on the child being used to obeying adults about their body. A child who has learned “my body belongs to me, and my parents back me up” is harder to trick and quicker to tell.

So keep the respect. Change the form.

Give the child choices

Before a visit, tell your child: “When Grandpa comes, we greet him nicely. You can choose: a hug, a wave, a handshake, a high five, or say hello and smile.”

Every one of those is polite. The child chooses. Most children, once they feel they have a choice, hug far more often than when they’re forced.

What to say to the relative

Say it warmly, and say it for your child, so the relative doesn’t feel rejected:

“She’s shy today. She’ll give you a big wave.”

Or, to someone close, in private, later:

“We’re teaching the children that they choose how to greet people. It’s about safety, not about you. They love you, and they’ll show it in their own way.”

Most grandparents understand once it’s explained as protection. Some won’t, at first. Stay calm and stay consistent. Your child is watching which side you stand on.

What to say to your child

Never shame them in front of the family. Later, at home:

“You were right to say hello in your own way. Your body belongs to you. And you still greet people politely, because that’s how we show respect.”

When to pay attention

Sometimes a child refuses one particular person, again and again, and seems frightened rather than shy. Don’t override that. Notice it, keep that person from being alone with your child, and gently ask your child about it later. Most of the time it’s nothing. Sometimes it’s the only signal you’ll get. See Warning Signs a Child Is Being Harmed.

Sources

• NSPCC. Talk PANTS with your child. nspcc.org.uk

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Next step

Before the next family visit, tell your child their greeting choices, and tell one relative, in private, why you’re doing it. What to say → Care agreement →