If a Child Tells You They Were Abused: What to Say, What Not to Say, and Who to Call

If the child is in danger right now, call your local emergency number.

It might come out all at once, or in a small sentence while you’re cooking. “I don’t like it when he comes into my room.” It might be about someone you love and trust.

What you do in the next few minutes can decide whether the child keeps talking, now and later. You don’t have to be perfect. You have to be calm, believe them, and get help.

In the moment

Stay calm, on the outside

Inside you may feel sick, furious or frozen. Keep your face and voice as calm as you can. If you look shocked or angry, the child may think they’ve done something wrong and stop talking.

Listen, and let them lead

Let them say it in their own words, at their own pace. Don’t rush them. Don’t fill the silence.

Believe them, and say so

“I believe you.”

“You did the right thing telling me.”

“It’s not your fault.”

These three sentences are the most important ones you will say.

Don’t ask for details

You are not the investigator. Ask only what you need to keep them safe: “Is it still happening?” or “Are you safe now?” Avoid “why” questions and questions that suggest an answer. Too many questions can upset the child and make the case harder later.

Don’t promise to keep it secret

The child may ask you not to tell. Be honest:

“I can’t keep this a secret, because I need to keep you safe. I’ll only tell people whose job is to help.”

Tell them what happens next

“I’m going to get help so this stops. You’re not in trouble. I’m staying with you.”

Straight after

Write down what they said

As soon as you can, write down the child’s exact words, the date and time, and what you were doing when they told you. Don’t add your own interpretation. Keep it safe.

Keep the child safe

Make sure the person they named can’t be alone with them. Don’t confront that person yourself, and don’t warn them. It can put the child at risk and harm the investigation.

Don’t wash clothes or bedding, or bathe the child, if the harm was recent

If the abuse happened in the last few days, these may matter as evidence. Ask the police or helpline what to do.

Call for help

Report to the police or your local child protection service. If you’re not sure where to go, a child protection helpline will tell you. See the list below.

If the child needs medical care, take them to a doctor or hospital and tell them what the child said.

In the days after

• Keep life ordinary as much as you can: meals, school, bedtime.
• Keep believing them, even if family members don’t.
• Let them talk when they want to, and don’t push when they don’t.
• Get support for the child, from a counsellor who works with children, and for yourself. You’ll need someone to talk to as well.

If the child is not your own

The same steps apply. Listen, believe, don’t promise secrecy, write it down, and report it to the police, child protection services, or the child’s school safeguarding lead. You don’t need to be sure. Professionals will decide what happens next.

Sources

• NSPCC. What to do if a child reveals abuse. nspcc.org.uk
• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (US). childhelphotline.org

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Next step

Learn the three sentences by heart now, before you ever need them: “I believe you.” “You did the right thing telling me.” “It’s not your fault.” What to say → Before you talk →