Safe and Unsafe Touch: Teaching Your Child to Say No and Tell

We teach children to cross the road without scaring them about cars. We practice fire drills without telling them the house will burn. Body safety works the same way: calm, clear, practiced, repeated.

The aim isn’t to make your child afraid of people. It’s to give them three skills: know, say no, and tell.

Skill one: know

Safe touch and unsafe touch

Explain it simply:

• Safe touches feel okay and keep you safe: a hug you want, a high five, holding hands to cross the road, a doctor checking you with a parent there.
• Unsafe touches hurt, feel scary or wrong, or touch private parts without a good reason.
• Unwanted touches might be fine in themselves, like tickling or a kiss, but you don’t want them right now. You’re allowed to say stop.

The underwear rule

The NSPCC uses a simple rule for children: the parts covered by underwear are private. They’ve built it into the word PANTS:

• Privates are private
• Always remember your body belongs to you
• No means no
• Talk about secrets that upset you
• Speak up, someone can help

You can use it as it is, or put it in your own words and your own language.

Real names

Use the correct names for private parts. A child who has clear words can tell clearly. See How to Talk to a Young Child About Their Body.

Skill two: say no

Many children are taught to always obey adults. That’s useful, most of the time. But they also need to know there’s one exception: their body.

Teach a short, loud, clear phrase: “No! Stop!” Then: “Get away and tell.”

Back it up at home. When your child says stop to tickling, stop. When they don’t want to kiss a relative, give them another way to greet (see Should I Make My Child Kiss and Hug Relatives?). Every time you respect their “no”, they learn that “no” is real.

Skill three: tell

Surprises and secrets

“A surprise is something fun that we tell soon, like a birthday present. A secret that makes you feel worried, scared or strange always gets told, even if someone says you’ll get in trouble, even if it’s someone you love.”

Choose the trusted adults together

Sit with your child and choose three to five adults they could tell: you, the other parent, a grandparent, an aunt, a teacher. Write them down or draw them. If one adult doesn’t listen, they tell the next one, and keep telling until someone does.

Make the promise

“You will never be in trouble for telling me about a touch or a secret. Never. Even if you were told not to tell. Even if you think you did something wrong.”

Practice it, like a fire drill

Children learn by doing, not by hearing once. Use “What if?” games, at a calm time, in a light voice:

• “What if someone you don’t know asks you to help find their puppy?”
• “What if a grown-up you know asks you to keep a secret about a touch?”
• “What if someone at school tries to see under your clothes?”

Let them answer. Praise good answers. Gently correct the others. Repeat every few months, with new examples as they grow.

Don’t make it all about strangers

Most children who are harmed are harmed by someone they know. So say clearly: “These rules are for everyone. Even people we know. Even family.” Said calmly, it doesn’t frighten children. It protects them.

Sources

• NSPCC. Talk PANTS with your child. nspcc.org.uk

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Next step

This week, sit with your child and choose their five trusted adults together. Then play one “What if?” game. What to say → Before you talk →