The Father Who Is Home but Not There

In short: a father can be in the house every night and still be missing from it. When he is, there is a broken link in the home, because a father has roles that suit him and that his children need. Being present means being part of the house, not only sleeping in it.

There are two kinds of absent father. One is away: working abroad, separated, gone. The other is here but not here. He comes home, eats, looks at his phone, sleeps. He pays for everything. He shouts when something goes wrong. And otherwise, he is a guest in his own house.

The second kind is harder to see, because from outside, nothing is missing.

What goes missing

In my view, a home is built with both a mother and a father, each with roles that suit them, that they do well, and that the children need from them. A mother carries things a father can’t. A father carries things a mother can’t. That is how it is made.

When the father is absent while present, a link in the chain goes missing. You can feel it, even if you can’t name it:

• The children go to their mother for everything, even the things that need a father.
• The mother becomes the one who decides, disciplines, comforts, organizes and worries, all at once.
• The sons have no close picture of what a man does at home.
• The daughters have no one telling them they’ve grown up, that they’re wise, that they’re capable.
• Conflicts are settled by one person, so there is no “third opinion” that both parents agree on.

The house still runs. But it runs on one engine.

A word to the father

If you are reading this and recognize yourself, I’m not writing to blame you. Work is heavy. Money is heavy. The world takes most of what you have before you reach the door. I know.

But your children are not asking for more money. They are asking for you.

• Ten minutes when you come in. Before the phone. Ask each child one real question.
• One job at home that is yours. Bedtime for the youngest. Homework with the middle one. A walk with the eldest on Fridays. Something they can expect from you.
• Back your wife in front of them. Disagree with her behind a closed door, then come out with one answer.
• Let them see you at home, not only hear you when something is wrong. A father who only appears to punish becomes a stranger who punishes.

You don’t have to change everything this week. Choose one thing. Do it every day. Your children will notice by Thursday.

A word to the mother

If you are the one reading this and he isn’t, you may be tempted to give up and carry it all. Don’t, yet. There is a way to bring him back, and it often starts with you. I wrote about it in “I’ve Learned to Live Without Him”.

When it is more than distance

If the absence comes with violence, threats, contempt or addiction, this article is not the next step. Your safety and your children’s safety come first. Talk to a doctor or a local support service, and if anyone is in danger, call your local emergency number.

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Next step

See who carries what at home. A few short questions about roles in the house, and one change to try. Roles check → Load map →