How to Talk to a Young Child About Their Body: Real Words, Private Parts and No Shame

In short: use the real names, teach that some parts are private, and keep your voice calm. A child who can name their body and knows it belongs to them is safer, and less embarrassed later.

Many parents grew up in homes where nobody said a word about the body. Some families use nicknames. Some go quiet and change the subject. The child learns one thing from that silence: this is something we don’t talk about. And a child who has learned not to talk about the body will not come to you when something about the body goes wrong.

You don’t need a big lesson. You need a few short talks, in ordinary moments, from the age of about two or three.

Talk one: in the bath, the names

Name the body the way you name everything else. Nose, elbow, knee, tummy, and the private parts too, with their real names, said in the same voice.

Child protection services such as the NSPCC advise using the correct names. A child who has the right words can tell a doctor where it hurts, and can tell you clearly if someone touched them. A nickname can be misunderstood. A real word can’t.

If the real word feels hard for you to say, practice it alone first. The embarrassment is yours, not the child’s. They will take the word as easily as “elbow”.

Talk two: getting dressed, what “private” means

Keep it simple:

“The parts your underwear covers are private. Private means they belong to you. Nobody looks at them or touches them, and you don’t touch other people’s.”

Back it up with small daily habits: they close the bathroom door behind them, and they change their clothes in their own room, even at home. Privacy is learned by living it.

Then the exceptions, said clearly, so the rule makes sense: a parent helping with washing or the toilet when they’re small, and a doctor checking them, with you there.

Talk three: when they touch themselves

Small children touch their own bodies. It is common and it is not something to punish or shame. If it happens in public, don’t shout and don’t slap a hand. Say calmly: “That’s something for private, at home.” Then give them something to do with their hands.

A child who is shamed for their body learns to hide. A child who is calmly taught where things belong learns manners.

Talk four: at the door, “your body belongs to you”

Teach the idea in small daily ways. Stop tickling when they say stop. Ask before a hug sometimes. Let them choose how to greet a visitor (there is more on this in Should I Make My Child Kiss Relatives?).

The message underneath is: you are allowed to say no about your body, and I will back you up.

Talk five: at bedtime, “no secrets about the body”

This is the most important one:

“We don’t keep secrets about bodies in our family. If anyone ever asks you to keep a secret about touching, or about private parts, you tell me. You won’t be in trouble. Ever.”

Explain the difference between a surprise, which is fun and gets told soon, like a birthday present, and a secret that makes you feel worried or strange. Surprises are fine. Worried secrets always get told.

What about different cultures and faiths?

Every family has its own customs about modesty, dress and what is spoken out loud. None of that has to change. Modesty and body safety fit together well: a child can learn that the body is private and respected, and in the same breath learn its correct names and that they can always tell you anything. Privacy is not the same as silence.

Keep your face calm

Children read your face before your words. If you look shocked or disgusted when they ask about their body, they learn not to ask. Keep it ordinary. Answer what they asked, briefly, and stop. If they want more, they’ll ask more.

For older children, see How to Talk to Your Child About Puberty.

Sources

• NSPCC. Talk PANTS with your child. nspcc.org.uk
• HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics). Puberty and sexuality advice for parents. healthychildren.org

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Next step

This week, at bath time, name every part of the body in the same calm voice. At bedtime, say once: “No secrets about bodies in our family.” What to say → Before you talk →