My Child Hits Me: What Do I Do?

The short answer: stop it every time, calmly and immediately. Never hit back. Say the line once: “You don’t hit me.” Then follow it with a real consequence. With a teenager who is bigger than you, your safety comes first, and you get help.

Many parents are ashamed to say it out loud: my child hits me. A mother gets slapped by a three-year-old in the supermarket. A father gets kicked by a seven-year-old over a screen. A mother gets pushed against a wall by a fifteen-year-old son.

The shame keeps them quiet. And quiet lets it grow.

Why it starts

Very often, it starts with being too easy. A child who has learned that his anger can go anywhere will send it to the safest place he knows: the parent who loves him most and has never stopped him. I wrote about this in Why Gentle Parenting Isn’t Working.

It also starts when a child sees hitting at home, between the adults or done to him. Children copy what they see far more than what they hear.

The rule that never changes, at any age

1. You never hit back. Not a “little tap to show him how it feels.” The American Academy of Pediatrics says: “Experiencing corporal punishment makes it more, not less, likely that children will be defiant and aggressive in the future.”
2. You stop it every single time. Not the third time. Not “when it gets bad.” Every time.
3. You say it once, low and clear: “You don’t hit me.” No speech.
4. There is always a consequence after. Calm, linked, and kept.

Toddlers, about 1 to 4

Hold their hand or step back, out of reach. Say: “No hitting. Hands are not for hitting.” Put them down if you are holding them. Don’t laugh, even if it was a tiny slap. A laugh tells a toddler it was a game.

When it is over, show them what hands can do: “Gentle hands. Show me.”

Children, about 4 to 10

Stop the game, the screen, the outing, right there. “We’re done. You hit me. We don’t stay where people get hit.”

Later, when calm: “You were angry. Being angry is allowed. Hitting your mother is not. Next time you’re that angry, what will you do instead?” Agree a plan: walk away, stamp your feet, squeeze a pillow, say “I’m too angry.”

Then the consequence, tied to it: the screen time that started it is gone tomorrow, or the outing is cancelled. See the consequence finder.

Teenagers

This is different, because a teenager can hurt you.

• Your safety first. Leave the room. Go to a neighbor. Call for help if you need to. You are not abandoning him by protecting yourself.
• Talk later, firmly: “You put your hands on me. That will never happen again in this house.” Not a threat. A fact.
• The consequence is serious, because the act is serious: the phone, the car, the outings, the money, until trust is rebuilt.
• Tell someone. His other parent, a relative he respects, the school counsellor, his doctor. A teenager who hits a parent needs more people around him, not fewer.

When to get help

Get help now if your child has injured you, uses objects or weapons, threatens you, or if you feel afraid in your own home. Talk to your doctor or a family support service, and if anyone is in danger, call your local emergency number. Help also matters if the hitting comes with rages that seem out of the child’s control, or with low mood most days.

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Next step

Find the words for the moment. One sentence for the hard moment, and the talk for later. What to say → Consequence finder →

Sources

• American Academy of Pediatrics. Where We Stand: Spanking. healthychildren.org