My Child Can't Handle Losing a Game: What to Say

The short answer: games are a safe place to practise losing. Name the feeling first, keep playing, and let your child see you lose well too.

A board game after dinner, the wrong square, a sister who wins, and in one second the pieces are on the floor and the evening is over.

Many parents stop playing games at home because of this. I think that is a mistake. Games are one of the safest places for a child to practise one of life’s hardest skills: losing, and being all right. A child who never loses at home will lose for the first time somewhere much less kind.

What a meltdown over losing may be carrying

For a young child, losing can feel enormous. It can seem to say something about who they are: I’m bad at things. I’m not as good as my sister. I’m not good enough. The feeling arrives in the body before the mind can make sense of it.

Some children are more sensitive to this than others. Children who are perfectionist, who are the youngest in the family, or who often compare themselves with an older sibling may find losing especially painful. Children who are tired, or already having a hard day, have less in reserve.

Underneath “It’s not fair!” there is sometimes a worry about their place: am I still valued if I lose? And sometimes there is only anger, because losing is annoying. You do not need to find a deep meaning every time.

There is one more possibility worth being honest about. A child who has always been allowed to win, who gets what they want the moment they protest, may simply never have learned that the world does not always say yes. That is one of the signs that giving has gone too far. The answer is not harshness. It is calm, repeated, ordinary losing, with love around it.

What to say

In the moment, name the feeling first. “You really wanted to win. Losing feels awful.”

Keep everyone safe, calmly. “I won’t let you throw the pieces. Let’s take a break.”

Separate the child from the result. “You lost the game. You’re still you. I still love playing with you.”

Later, talk about it briefly. “That was a hard ending. What could you do next time when you feel that angry?”

Notice good losing when it happens. “You lost and you said ‘good game’. That takes real strength.”

Share your own losing. “I lost at work today. I felt really disappointed. I went for a walk and felt better.” Children learn from seeing adults lose too.

What to avoid

Always letting them win. It feels kind, but it takes away the chance to practise. Children notice, too, and may feel the game was not real. It can help to let a young child win sometimes, and lose sometimes, so that both feel survivable.

Shaming. “Don’t be such a baby.” “Nobody will want to play with you.” These add a second hurt to the first and rarely teach anything.

Long lectures in the middle of the storm. A child in a meltdown cannot hear a talk about sportsmanship. Wait until they are calm.

Banning games for good. It may feel like the easy answer, but without games, children lose one of the gentlest places to learn to lose.

Comparing siblings. “Your sister never makes a fuss when she loses.” This turns the game into a contest about who is the better child.

Ways to make losing easier to practise

• Play co-operative games first. In these games everyone wins or loses together, against the game. They teach turn-taking and disappointment without the sting of losing to a person.
• Choose short games. A loss that comes after five minutes is easier than one that comes after an hour.
• Play with luck, not skill, at first. In games of chance, losing says nothing about how clever the child is.
• Practise “good game”. Make it a family habit to shake hands or say “good game” at the end, whoever wins.
• Make a calm-down plan. Agree, at a calm time, what the child can do when they feel the anger rising: squeeze a cushion, take three deep breaths, walk away for one minute.
• Stop before they are too tired. The same game at 7 p.m. and at 4 p.m. can end very differently.

For the parent who plays alone

If you are the only adult at home, every game may be you against your children. Or you may be refereeing two children while also trying to keep the peace. You do not have to make every game a lesson. Some evenings, a game can just be played, cleared away, and forgotten. Choose one game a week to practise losing gently, and let the rest be fun.

When the winner is the problem

Sometimes the hard part is not losing but winning. A child who wins may gloat, dance, or tease a sibling until the other child explodes. That is part of the same lesson.

You can coach winning too: “You won! Now the kind thing is to say ‘good game’ and help put it away.” Celebrating is fine. Rubbing it in is not. Children who learn to win kindly often find it easier to lose kindly, because they have seen both sides of the table.

When it is more than losing

If your child’s anger at losing is extremely intense, lasts a long time, happens across many situations, or includes hurting people, it may be worth talking to your child’s doctor or school. A child who seems very low, often calls themselves stupid or worthless, or seems anxious most of the time also deserves a conversation with a professional.

Before tomorrow

Choose a short co-operative or luck-based game. Before you start, agree on one thing together: “At the end, whoever wins, we all say ‘good game’.”

Then play. If it goes wrong, stay calm, name the feeling, and try again another day. Learning to lose is not one lesson. It is many small games, over many evenings, with someone who keeps sitting down to play.

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Next step

Look at one real evening. Answer a few questions about what happened, and see what may be behind it, with a 7-day sheet to try. Try Tonight’s log →