How to Talk to Your Child About Puberty: Who Says It, When, and What to Say

Your child will hear about puberty from someone. The only question is who. Better from you, calmly and correctly, than from a stranger, a friend or a screen giving them the wrong information.

Who talks to whom

If both parents live in the same house, the natural way works best: the mother talks to her daughter, the father talks to his son. A child is usually more at ease asking about their body with the parent who has been through the same changes.

• The mother: plainly, without embarrassment, and without making it too heavy or too serious. Her body is going to change, and her mother is the first person she should be able to ask.
• The father: tells his son clearly that what is happening is normal, every man went through it, and then keeps talking with him, not just once.

This doesn’t mean the other parent stays silent. Both parents should be people the child can ask. But the first, closer conversations usually go best this way.

When to start

Earlier than you think. Official guidance says: “Normally, puberty starts in girls when they’re between 8 and 14 years old,” and “In boys, puberty normally starts when they’re 9 to 15 years.” It advises parents to “Discuss the physical and emotional changes that come with puberty before they begin” (KidsHealth, Nemours).

A girl who gets her first period without knowing what it is can be frightened. A boy whose body changes without anyone explaining can think something is wrong with him. Tell them before.

What to say

Keep it simple and true. Start small and add more as they grow.

To a daughter: her body will grow and change shape, she will get her period, and this is a sign of a healthy body. Show her what to use and where it’s kept. Tell her she can come to you any time, day or night.

To a son: his voice will change, he’ll grow fast, hair will grow on his body, and his body will change in ways that can surprise him at night. All of it is normal and healthy.

To both: moods will go up and down too. Feeling awkward, shy, or easily upset is part of it. See Is My Teenager Depressed or Is It Just a Phase?

The guidance adds two things worth remembering: “be reassuring,” and “Talking about puberty isn’t a one-time conversation.”

If you’re embarrassed

Many parents are. Their own parents never spoke to them, and they don’t know where to start. Some ways in:

• Say it. “This feels a bit awkward for me, but it’s important, so let’s talk.”
• Talk side by side. In the car, on a walk, while cooking. Less eye contact, less pressure.
• Use a good book for their age, read it first, then give it to them and say: “Ask me anything after.”
• Answer only what they ask. A short true answer is better than a long speech.
• Don’t laugh, don’t tease, and don’t let brothers, sisters or relatives tease them either.

Why hearing it from you matters

The guidance notes that children see and hear a lot online and on TV, and that “not all this other information is reliable.” A friend’s version, a video, a rumour at school: your child will believe it if nobody at home has told them otherwise.

When you are the one who gives the information:

• they get it right;
• they learn that their body is not shameful;
• and, most important, they learn that you are the person to ask. That door will matter far more at fifteen than it does at ten.

How the talk itself should feel

A friendly, warm sitting. Not an interview, not a lesson.

Don’t look at their face. Talk while you’re both looking at the television, or at something in your hands. No staring, no waiting for a reaction. Your child can listen without blushing, and the questions come more easily.

Cover both sides: the body, and the mind. What is changing physically, and what they may feel: shy, confused, curious, moody.

Let them ask, and answer. Then help them sort it out:

• what is normal, and what is not;
• which ideas they’ve picked up are wrong, and which are right.

Tell them why you’re doing it:

“I’m passing on to you what I’ve learned and what I’ve lived. I’m telling you because I love you and I care about what’s good for you.”

If you’re raising them alone

The same applies. A father raising his children alone talks to them. A mother raising her children alone talks to them. Even across the line of boy and girl: a single father with a daughter, a single mother with a son.

Same warm sitting, same eyes on the television, same promise that they can ask anything. Learn the basics first so you feel ready. If it helps, a trusted woman or man from the family can add to what you’ve said: an aunt, a grandmother, an uncle. The child’s doctor can answer questions too. But don’t hand the whole job away. You are still the one they should hear it from first.

For girls and body image, see My Daughter and Her Body.

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Next step

This week, start the first short talk. Five minutes, side by side, one change at a time. End with: “You can ask me anything.” Before you talk → What to say →