My Daughter and Her Body: What to Say, and What Never to Say

The short answer: she is always beautiful, and she must hear it at home. Never comment on weight or compare her to others; if you encourage care, start from “You are beautiful, and you can be even more beautiful.”

In these years a girl’s body changes fast, and so does the way she looks at it. She compares herself to her friends, to her cousins, and to thousands of edited faces on her phone. Some days she will hate what she sees in the mirror.

My view is simple: she is always beautiful, and she must hear it at home. That is not flattery and it is not hypocrisy. The world will measure her soon enough. Home is the one place where she hears it without conditions.

And if there is something we want her to look after more, her fitness, her health, the way she cares for herself, we say it the same way: “You are beautiful. And you can be even more beautiful.” We start from beautiful. We never start from what is wrong.

What to say

• “You’re beautiful.” Often, and for no reason.
• “You look strong.” “You look happy today.” “That colour suits you.”
• “What did your body let you do today?” A match, a dance, a long walk.
• “Come for a walk with me.” Movement as time together, not as a punishment.
• “You’re beautiful, and you can look after yourself even more. Shall we do it together?”

What never to say

• Comments about her weight or size, good or bad. Not “You’ve lost weight, well done”, not “You’ve put on a bit”.
• Comparisons: “Your cousin is so slim”, “Your friend has such nice skin.”
• Remarks about your own body in front of her: “I’m so fat”, “I can’t eat that.” She learns from what you say about yourself.
• Remarks about other women’s bodies, on television or at a wedding. She is listening.
• Comments about what is on her plate at the table. At meals, talk about the day.

The father’s words count double

A daughter takes much of her picture of herself from her father. If he tells her she is beautiful, and treats her with respect, she will expect the same from the men she meets later. If he jokes about her body, even kindly, she may carry it for years.

Signs that need a doctor

Some girls go beyond normal worry. The NHS’s Healthier Together pages for young people list signs such as “Constant thinking or worrying about food, calories, weight gain or your shape” and “Trying to do other things to lose weight, such as lots of exercise, vomiting taking laxatives” (NHS Healthier Together).

Watch also for:

• eating alone or in secret, or often skipping meals
• going to the bathroom right after eating
• a big change in weight, or exercise that looks driven
• the same fight happening again and again at meals

If you see these, talk to her when you are both calm, never at a meal. Tell her what you noticed and that you are on her side. Then book an appointment with her doctor, even if she says nothing is wrong. If she faints, has chest pain or refuses to drink, get medical care the same day.

What you are building

A young woman who likes herself enough to look after herself, and expects others to treat her well. That is what she will carry into university, work and her own family. It starts with the words she hears at your table.

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Next step

Check the balance. Is she getting enough of what makes her feel valued at home? A few short questions, one step for tonight and a 7-day sheet. Balance Check →

Sources

• NHS Healthier Together (West London). Eating difficulties. healthiertogether.westlondon.nhs.uk