Signs of Self-Harm in Teenagers: What to Do If Your Child Is Hurting Themselves

Parents tell me about it more than they tell anyone else. A burn mark that has no story. A knife that keeps disappearing from the kitchen. A son who wears long sleeves in August. A daughter who locks the bathroom door and stays too long.

If you are reading this because you found something, take a breath first. You are not too late, and you are not alone. Many families have been here and come through it.

The signs

These lines are taken from official guidance, not rewritten. The following signs “might suggest that a child or young person is self-harming”:

• “Unexplained or frequent injuries, e.g. cuts, bruises, burns.”
• “Sores, scratches or scabs on their skin.”
• “Acting defensive or secretive when asked about injuries.”
• “Wearing clothes that cover their arms and legs, even in warm weather.”
• “Refusing to get changed in front of other people, e.g. for PE or swimming.”
• “Viewing self-harm-related content online.”
• “Talking about hurting themselves or not wanting to live.”
• “Experimenting with drugs, alcohol or other risky behaviours.”

(NHS Cheshire and Merseyside)

Another NHS service adds: “Signs of low mood, such as tearfulness, losing interest in normal activities, not seeing friends as much,” and “Being more secretive and withdrawn from family and friends” (Just One Norfolk, NHS).

If your child talks about not wanting to live, don’t wait for more signs. Get help today.

Get help now if

The guidance is clear: “If you are worried that your child has injuries needing immediate medical attention call 111 or 999” (Just One Norfolk, NHS). Outside the UK, call your local emergency number. The help lines are at the bottom of this page.

Why lectures don’t work

Here is what I see again and again. The parent explains the danger. Shows the scars. Raises their voice. “Do you know what you’re doing to yourself?” And nothing changes.

Teenagers learn a lot by seeing for themselves. You can’t talk them out of what they haven’t felt yet. But self-harm is not something to let a teen “learn by experience.” It is a sign, and it needs a different answer than a speech.

The guidance describes self-harm as “a symptom that a person is struggling with emotional pain,” and says it is not “‘deliberate’ or attention seeking.” Read that twice. Your child is not trying to upset you. Something inside is too heavy, and this is how they are carrying it.

The first hour: what to say, what not to do

Calm yourself first. The guidance says: “It can be a good idea to give yourself a few minutes to breathe slowly and feel calm before you react.” Your fear is real. Don’t let it become shouting.

What to say. Short and steady:

“I saw. I’m not angry. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to sort this out together.”

Then listen more than you talk. Ask “what they think would help” (NHS guidance). And tell them what the guidance tells parents to say: that it is “not uncommon and they can get better.”

What not to do:

• Don’t shout, punish, or threaten. Fear pushes it further into hiding.
• Don’t demand a promise to stop today. A promise they can’t keep becomes one more secret.
• Don’t search their body or room in anger. Ask, and be there.
• Don’t tell the whole family. Protect their privacy. Bring in the people who need to know.
• Don’t treat it as attention seeking, or as a phase that will pass on its own.

Make the house safer, quietly. Keep medicines and sharp tools stored away. Not as a punishment and not as a show, just as a parent who is careful.

See a doctor

Book your child’s doctor. The NHS says your child should see their GP “for an assessment.” Go with them if they want you there, and let them speak alone if they prefer. A doctor can connect you to mental health support for young people.

One more line from the guidance, which surprises many parents: be careful about “taking their (unhealthy) coping strategy away before they have been able to develop new healthy ways.” This is why the long road matters as much as the first hour.

The long road: fill the emptiness

In my experience, behind a lot of teenage self-harm there is a big empty space. No goal. No role. Long empty hours, a phone, and heavy feelings with nowhere to go. The more a teen is busy, responsible and has something to aim for, the less room there is for this.

This doesn’t replace the doctor. It works alongside it. And you build it without announcing it: a teen who hears “we’re keeping you busy so you stop hurting yourself” will feel watched, not helped.

A family goal. Something the whole house works toward together: a trip, a project, painting a room, a small business, helping a relative. Your teen gets a real part in it, with a real job.

A personal goal. Study, a sport, a skill, a club. Chosen with them, not for them. See My Teen Quits Every Hobby After Two Weeks if they keep dropping things.

Responsibility. Give them something that matters if they don’t do it. Real tasks build a feeling of being needed. More in Should My Teenager Get a Job?

Balanced praise. Notice every success, even a small one, and then point to the next step. Not too much: praise that turns into spoiling does the same damage as putting them down. Both tell a teen your words don’t mean much.

Rest as well as work. Give rest time the same weight as goal time. A teen pushed from task to task with no break is just carrying a different kind of heavy.

Rewards. Small, real, earned. A trip, an outing with you, something they’ve wanted.

Look after yourself too

Finding out your child is hurting themselves can break you for a while. Talk to someone you trust, and get support for yourself. A parent who is steady is the best thing a teen in pain can have.

For the bigger picture, see My Teenager Seems Lost and Teen Mood Swings: What Is Normal and When to Worry.

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Next step

If you’ve seen any of the signs above, say the calm sentence today and book the doctor this week. Then choose one family goal to start together. Before you talk → What to say →

Where you live: some guidance quoted here is from the UK's health service. A "GP" is your family doctor, and 111 and 999 are UK numbers. Use your own doctor, health line and emergency number.