My Teenager Seems Lost: Committed One Week, Gone the Next

The short answer: a teenager who seems lost is often a new person forming. Don’t search for the child who left; help them draw their own identity, from a distance.

Many parents of teenagers are looking for someone who is no longer there.

They are looking for the child who left. The sweet one, the cute one, the one who ran to the door when they came home and told them everything. And in that child’s place stands someone new: moody, distant, keen on football this month and on nothing the next, polite one day and closed the next.

I want to say this plainly, because I believe it is the root of much of the pain in homes with teenagers. The child you are looking for has not been lost. They have been replaced by the person they are becoming. If you keep searching for the child, you will miss the person.

What is happening

Adolescence is a very sensitive stage. A new personality begins. The body changes, for girls and boys alike. The mind changes. And the teenager moves away from their old self, not because they reject you, but because they need distance in order to find out who they are.

So the on-and-off you see is not always weakness of character. Training every day for a month and then stopping. Big plans on Monday and none by Friday. Committed one week, gone the next. Many teenagers are trying on different selves to see which one fits. Psychologists describe a stage of “actively exploring in an attempt to establish an identity” before making any lasting commitment (Lumen Learning, Adolescent Psychology).

And sometimes there is no deep meaning at all. A teenager may be angry because they want to be angry, or bored because they are bored. Not every mood hides a message. You do not have to decode each one.

The mistakes we make

We press. We step on them, push them, comment on every change, and demand that they decide now.

We want them to be us. We want them to turn out like we were at their age, under our conditions. But the generation has changed. Screens, videos, series and events from the whole world shape them, whatever their place or language. Wanting them to live the life we lived is hard, and it will not work.

We swing between extremes. Too much leniency is dangerous. Too much strictness is dangerous. The safe place is a hair-thin line between the two, and it has to be found again and again.

My principle: the three sevens

I think of raising a child in three stretches of about seven years.

The first seven years are affection and play. Closeness, warmth, games, safety.

The second seven are discipline, mostly without words. The child learns from what I do, not what I say. Without lecturing, I show them that I don’t lie, that I am clear with people, that I treat people with respect, that a good name earns respect, and that I set goals for myself and work toward them.

The third seven are friendship and talk. This is the teenage stretch. I take them for a walk. I talk with them, and I listen more than I talk. I show them how much I love them and that I care about their good, not about winning.

If the second seven were built well, the third is easier. If they were not, it is not too late, but the work now is friendship, not force.

We help them draw; we do not draw for them

A personality is still forming from the first day until around twenty. A teenager is still collecting experiences. They do not yet know exactly who they are.

Our job is to help them draw their identity, never to draw it for them. A person whose identity was drawn by someone else grows up lost. Sport, music, art, engineering, programming, science, a craft: we open doors, we provide what we can, we encourage from a distance. The choosing is theirs.

That is why the football month was not wasted, and the boots do not need to be a reason for anger. They were one door opened and closed.

What helps

Wise overlooking. I do not need to notice everything or comment on everything. Save your words for what matters.

Agreements with set times. Everything goes better by agreement: from this hour to that hour, this much screen time, these days for study and sport. Agree in calm, not in the middle of a fight.

Small commitments with an end. “Try it until the end of term, then decide.” A clear end makes it easier to start and easier to stop honestly.

Anchors that do not move. While interests change, a few things stay: school, sleep, family meals, respect at home.

A word on screens. Social media is content that people present. Not all of it is true, and not all of it should be believed. The question I want my teenager to carry is: Where is your real self? Look after yourself, your goals, your studies, your sport. Everything has limits.

Be the closest person. If a teenager does not find safety at home, they look for it outside, and that is dangerous. You do not have to be their best friend at every moment. You do have to be the person they can always come back to.

For the parent who sees it from a distance

If you live apart from your teenager, you may see the changes in jumps. You do not need to know everything to matter. Stay regular. Ask about the thing they are into now, even if it changes next month.

When it is more than searching

The NHS notes that “changing moods” can often be “normal teenage behaviour” (NHS: Worried about your teenager?). It also lists signs of depression in young people, including “sadness, or a low mood that does not go away”, “not being interested in things they used to enjoy”, and “have thoughts about suicide or self-harming”. The NHS advice is: “If you think your child is depressed, or you’re concerned about their general wellbeing, make an appointment with them to see a GP” (NHS: Depression in children and young people). If your teen talks about ending their life, or you think they are in danger, get urgent help now through your local emergency number or crisis line.

A question to carry

My teenager is my project. I raise them slowly, step by step, and I have to be patient. So this week, stop asking “What will you be?” and ask instead: “What did you enjoy this week?”

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Next step

Before your next big talk. Answer a few questions about what keeps happening between you and your teen, and get a 7-day sheet for the week ahead. Before you talk →

Sources

• Lumen Learning. Identity development theory (Erikson; Marcia). Adolescent Psychology. courses.lumenlearning.com
• NHS. Worried about your teenager? nhs.uk
• NHS. Depression in children and young people. nhs.uk