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Marriage and couples

When Home Isn't Safe: Domestic Abuse, Control and the Children

Shouting, threats, control over money and movement, or hitting. How to recognize domestic abuse between partners, what it does to children who see and hear it, how to plan for safety, and where to call in your country.

By MOH. SAMY · Reviewed 3 November 2026 · 3 min read

If you or your children are in danger right now, call your local emergency number.

If you’re reading this on a shared phone or computer, the button at the top of this page takes you away quickly.

This isn’t a “difficult marriage”

Every couple argues. This article is about something else: when one partner uses fear to control the other.

Many people living with abuse don’t call it that. They say “he has a temper”, “she’s under stress”, “it’s only when he drinks”, “it’s my fault for answering back”. Abuse is rarely only hitting. It often starts with control, and the control grows.

Signs of abuse

  • Fear. You plan what you say, how you dress, when you come home, to avoid “setting them off”.
  • Control: of money, your phone, where you go, who you see, whether you work.
  • Threats: to hurt you, the children, themselves, or to take the children away.
  • Humiliation: insults, mocking, in private or in front of the children and family.
  • Isolation from your family and friends, little by little.
  • Violence: pushing, grabbing, hitting, throwing things, blocking the door.
  • Sexual pressure or force.

If several of these are true, it’s not you being too sensitive. It’s abuse, and it’s not your fault.

What it does to children

Children don’t need to be hit to be harmed. Children who see or hear violence and threats between their parents live in fear. Many:

  • become anxious, jumpy, or can’t sleep;
  • go back to younger behavior, wetting the bed, clinging;
  • become aggressive, or very quiet;
  • blame themselves, or try to protect the parent being hurt;
  • learn that this is what love and family look like.

A child can also be hurt directly. If anyone is hurting your child, see Warning Signs a Child Is Being Harmed.

What doesn’t help

Couples counselling while abuse is going on. It can put the person being abused in more danger, because what they say in the session can be punished at home. Safety first, then anything else.

Trying harder to keep the peace. Abuse isn’t caused by what you do, so it can’t be fixed by doing it better.

A safety plan

You don’t need to decide today whether to leave. But you can prepare, carefully and in private:

  • Know who to call: a helpline, a trusted friend or relative, your local emergency number. Save them under an ordinary name if your phone is checked.
  • Agree a code word with someone you trust, meaning “call for help”.
  • Keep copies of important documents (IDs, birth certificates, bank details) and some money somewhere safe, outside the house if possible.
  • Know the safest room in the house, one with a way out, and away from the kitchen and anything that can be used as a weapon.
  • Teach the children what to do if it starts: go to a safe room, or to a neighbor, and how to call the emergency number.
  • Write down what happens: dates, injuries, threats. Keep it where it won’t be found.

Leaving can be the most dangerous time. A specialist helpline can help you plan it safely.

Where to call

If you’re the one hurting your family

If you recognize yourself in this article, that’s the first step. Abuse is a choice, and it can stop. Talk to a doctor or a program for people who want to stop being abusive. Your children are learning from you every day.

Next step

Today, save one helpline number in your phone under an ordinary name, and tell one person you trust a code word that means “call for help”. What to say → Low battery day →