Risky Choices, ADHD and Teen Boys: Dares, Driving and Online Blackmail

The short answer: you won’t stop a teenage boy from having fun, and you shouldn’t try. Teach three seconds of checking, keep a few rules about cars and phones, and tell him he won’t be in trouble for telling you about blackmail.

A brain that acts first is a gift on a football pitch and in a game. It is a risk on a roof, in a car, at a party and online. The U.S. National Institute of Mental Health notes that teens and adults with ADHD are more likely to take part in risky behaviours, including substance use and unsafe sexual activity (NIMH).

My view: you will not stop a teenage boy from having fun, and you shouldn’t try. What you can do is give him three seconds of checking before the big choices, and three rules that don’t move. In a moment of real danger, step in with complete firmness. That is not the time for negotiating.

Three seconds before the dare

Teach him three questions for the jump, the ride, the dare, the send:

1. Would I do this if nobody was watching?
2. What is the worst thing that could realistically happen? Not the movie version.
3. If it goes wrong, who would I have to call, and what would I say?

You can’t ask them for him. You can make sure he has heard them, calmly, more than once, before the moment comes.

Rule one: the car

A study from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia found that in the first month after getting a licence, “the crash rate was 62 percent higher for new drivers with ADHD than for those without ADHD” (NICHD).

The rule: phones out of reach while driving, and never ride with a driver who has been drinking or using. If he drives, more supervised practice before he drives alone is worth every hour. If he calls you at 2 a.m. because his driver has been drinking, you come and get him, and the talk about why he was there waits until tomorrow.

Rule two: online blackmail

Teenage boys are increasingly targeted by people who trick them into sending an intimate photo, then demand money. Your son needs to know before it happens: it is a crime against him, and it is not his fault.

The FBI’s advice is to report it and to preserve evidence: “Do not delete anything before law enforcement is able to review it” (FBI). In practice: don’t pay, don’t send more, screenshot the chat and the profile, then block, and report it at tips.fbi.gov or report.cybertip.org.

And for you, the parent: if he tells you, stay calm. Don’t punish him and don’t take his phone as a penalty. He came to you at the worst moment of his life. Report it together. If it makes him feel like hurting himself, stay with him and reach help today.

Rule three: using something to feel better

If he is using vaping, alcohol or anything else to calm down or to feel better, that is a talk, not a punishment. Talk to him, and to a doctor. If someone can’t wake up or is struggling to breathe after drinking or taking something, call emergency services now. Don’t let them sleep it off.

Know who is around him

Know who his friends are, what they do and who he talks to, directly or indirectly. Not to spy on him. To know his world well enough to see when something changes.

When to step in firmly

Talk to him, and get professional help, if he talks about hurting himself; if his risks include threats or near-misses; if someone may be threatening or pressuring him, online or off. In danger right now, call your local emergency number.

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Next step

Plan the talk. Get ready to talk with your son about one thing, with the first words to say. If it is about safety, the plan says so. Before you talk →

Sources

• National Institute of Mental Health. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). nimh.nih.gov
• National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (2019). Adolescent drivers with ADHD have higher crash rate than their peers. nichd.nih.gov
• FBI Detroit (press release). FBI warns of increase in sextortion schemes targeting young boys. fbi.gov