Co-Parenting Message Examples: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm
Before-and-after examples of messages between separated parents, rewritten to be short, factual and calm. Based on Bill Eddy's method for high-conflict communication.
The short answer: write to the other parent the way Bill Eddy’s BIFF Response® teaches: brief, informative, friendly and firm. Short, factual messages lower the temperature for everyone.
When co-parenting is tense, every message can feel like a test. You write, rewrite, delete. You read the other parent’s message for hidden meanings. A simple question about school shoes becomes a three-day argument.
My view is simple. After separation, you will not love each other, but you must still have an understanding. Every message is a chance to keep that understanding alive, or to break it a little more. And remember: a message written in anger is often read, one day, by a child. The table turns on the one who wrote the insult, not on the one who received it.
One method that many family professionals use for high-conflict communication was developed by Bill Eddy. It suggests that messages be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (Eddy, How to write a BIFF Response®). BIFF Response® is his registered trademark.
This article is mostly examples. Each one shows a message as it might be written in the heat of the moment, and the same message rewritten. The examples are illustrative; any resemblance to a real family is a sign of how common these moments are.
Why the way you write matters
A classic study of teenagers after divorce found that feeling caught between their parents was linked to poorer adjustment, and that conflict between parents seemed to reach the teens largely through that feeling (Buchanan, Maccoby & Dornbusch 1991). Messages are where much of that conflict now lives. Each calmer message is one less flare that might reach a child.
Example 1: a late pickup
Before: “Once again you were 40 minutes late. Do you have any idea how this affects the kids? You never think about anyone but yourself. If this happens again I’m going to stop waiting.”
After: “Hi. Pickup on Friday was at 6:40 instead of 6:00. The kids get anxious when they wait. Can you confirm 6:00 works for you this Friday? If it doesn’t, let me know by Thursday and we can find another time. Thanks.”
What changed: one fact, one reason focused on the children, one clear request, a deadline, and no judgment of character.
Example 2: a request about money
Before: “The school trip is £45 and as usual I’m paying for everything. Maybe you could actually contribute for once instead of buying them toys to look like the fun parent.”
After: “Hi. The school trip on 12 March costs £45. Could you pay half, £22.50? The payment is due by 1 March. I can send you the school’s letter if useful.”
What changed: the amount, the date, the share, the deadline. The old grievance about money is real, but this message is not the place for it. That conversation belongs with a lawyer or the official support office if needed.
Example 3: responding to an attack
Received: “You’re turning the kids against me. Lily didn’t want to come this weekend and that’s your doing. You’ve always been manipulative.”
Before (your first draft): “How dare you. I’ve done nothing but encourage her to see you. Maybe if you actually paid attention to her she’d want to come. You’re the manipulative one.”
After: “Hi. Lily mentioned she was tired this week and has a big test on Monday. I told her I’d like her to go to your place as planned. Would it help if she brought her books? She’ll be ready at 6:00 on Friday.”
What changed: the attack is not answered. The after-message gives information, shows support for the child’s time with the other parent, offers a practical solution, and ends clearly. It does not defend your character. Your character does not need defending in a text message.
Example 4: a change of plan
Before: “I can’t believe you’re only telling me now that you’re going away. You always do this. The kids were looking forward to Saturday and now I have to deal with the disappointment.”
After: “Thanks for letting me know about your trip. I can have the kids this Saturday. Would you like to swap with the following Saturday, the 22nd? Please confirm by Wednesday so I can plan.”
What changed: the frustration is understandable, but the message solves the problem and protects both parents’ time with the children.
A short checklist before you press send
- Brief: is it under five sentences?
- Informative: is there a clear fact or question?
- Friendly: is there a civil greeting or thank you, even a small one?
- Firm: does it end clearly, with a date or a decision?
- Child-safe: would it be fine if your child read it one day?
And one rule many parents find helpful: never send a reply on the same evening you were upset by a message.
When it is more than difficult messages
If messages include threats, if you are afraid of the other parent, or if a child is not returned as agreed and you fear for their safety, do not try to manage it with careful wording. Reach the police, a lawyer or a support service today. If anyone is in danger now, call your local emergency number. This site gives no legal advice.
Before tomorrow
Tonight, take one message you are planning to send, or one you sent recently that went badly. Rewrite it using the five checks above. Read it out loud. If it sounds like something a calm stranger could have written, it is ready.
Over the next week, apply the checklist to every message, and notice how many replies stay short too. Calm tends to be catching, even between two people who find each other very hard.
Next step
Check your next message before you send it. Write it in the tool and get the four calm questions, plus a 7-day sheet for handovers. Your message stays on this phone. We never see it or save it. Between two homes →
Sources
- Eddy, B. How to write a BIFF Response®. PDF
- Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E. & Dornbusch, S. M. (1991). Caught between parents: adolescents’ experience in divorced homes. Child Development, 62, 1008–1029.