How Parents Arguing Affects Children, Even Behind Closed Doors

The short answer: children hear more through walls than parents think. Settle problems behind a closed door, avoid insults, contempt and threats, and let the children see the repair.

My principle is that problems between parents are settled behind a closed door. But a closed door is not a soundproof wall. Many parents wait until the children are in bed and believe they are being careful, while upstairs a child lies very still, hearing the tone rise, a cupboard slam, a front door close. In the morning everyone is polite, and the child goes to school with a question they cannot ask: Is our family going to break?

So the closed room is the right place for the argument. But what matters just as much is how the argument is conducted inside it, and what the children see the next morning.

What children hear

Parents often believe children don’t know about their arguments, especially when they happen at night or behind doors. Children usually know more than adults think. They read tone, silence, slammed doors, a parent’s red eyes in the morning. They notice who sleeps on the sofa.

And they don’t only notice. They wonder what it means, and what it means for them.

What research suggests

Researchers have studied this for decades, and the message is consistent. A UK review by Gordon Harold and colleagues for the Early Intervention Foundation found that “Parents/couples who engage in frequent, intense, and poorly resolved inter-parental conflicts” put their children’s mental health and long-term life chances at risk. It also found that “Children of all ages can be affected by destructive inter-parental conflict”, and that this matters “in both intact and separated families” (Harold and colleagues 2016).

The same review noted that conflict between parents can harm both the mother–child and the father–child relationship, and that the link to harsher parenting “may be stronger for the father–child relationship.” Couples who fight a lot often have less patience left for their children.

But the research also says something hopeful: it is not disagreement itself that harms children. It is the way adults disagree.

Destructive and constructive

E. Mark Cummings and colleagues at the University of Notre Dame have studied how children react to their parents’ conflicts. In two studies following families for three years, destructive conflict, described as “personal insults, defensiveness, marital withdrawal, sadness or fear”, was linked to later depression, anxiety and behaviour problems in children (University of Notre Dame, on Cummings and colleagues 2006).

Constructive conflict, such as problem-solving and compromise, was different. Earlier work suggested it “may actually increase children’s security.” Children who see adults disagree respectfully, and work it out, learn that love can survive disagreement.

What the child upstairs may be carrying

A child who overhears is not only frightened. They may be carrying questions that stay far longer than the argument:

• Is it my fault? Children often believe they caused their parents’ fights, especially if the argument was about them.
• Whose side am I on? Many children feel pulled toward one parent and guilty toward the other.
• Is it safe here? A child’s sense of safety rests partly on the relationship between the adults.
• Is this what love is? Children build their first picture of close relationships by watching the adults closest to them.

These questions do not disappear the next morning just because everyone is polite. A silence after a fight, with no repair, can leave a child to answer the questions alone.

What makes the difference

You will not stop all arguments. Couples disagree. That is human. What matters is how the disagreement goes, and how it ends.

• Avoid insults, contempt and threats, especially threats to leave. Children take them literally. To a child, the mother is the best woman in the world and the father is the hero. When one humiliates the other, the picture shakes, and the child’s own personality shakes with it.
• Come out with one decision. After the closed room, come out to the children together, with a third decision that both of you stand behind.
• Keep the children out of the middle. Don’t ask them to choose, carry messages, or keep secrets.
• Stop if it is escalating. “I’m too angry to talk now. Let’s continue tomorrow.” Walking away calmly is different from storming out.
• Show the repair. If children saw or heard the fight, let them see or hear that it was resolved. Not the details, just the outcome: “Mum and I disagreed last night. We talked this morning and we’ve sorted it out.”
• Tell them it is not their fault. Say it out loud, even if you think they know.

When the arguments are with a former partner

Children of separated parents can also carry arguments they overhear: on the phone, at a handover, in a message read over a shoulder. The same principles apply. Keep sharp words away from the children where you can, and when they have heard something, give them a short, calm ending: “Dad and I disagreed about the weekend. We’ll work it out. It’s not your job to worry about it.”

When it is more than conflict

If arguments include violence, threats, fear, control, or someone being hurt, this is not ordinary conflict. It is abuse, and children are harmed by witnessing it. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lists “witnessing violence in the home” among adverse childhood experiences (CDC). If you or your children are in danger, call your local emergency number. Domestic abuse helplines can help you plan for safety.

The next morning

If you think your child heard, don’t let politeness cover it. Sit down beside them and say a few plain sentences: “I think you heard us arguing last night. I’m sorry it was loud. We were upset with each other, but we’ve talked, and we’re okay. And it was never about you. Do you want to ask anything?”

They may shake their head. That is fine. The sentence has done its work. A child who hears the ending of an argument does not have to invent one.

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Next step

Look at the pattern between the adults. Answer a few questions about the arguments that keep repeating, and get a 7-day sheet for both of you. Pattern Check →

Sources

• Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R. & Chowdry, H. (2016). What Works to Enhance Inter-Parental Relationships and Improve Outcomes for Children. Early Intervention Foundation / Department for Work and Pensions. PDF
• University of Notre Dame (2006). New studies confirm impact of parental conflict on children’s futures, on Cummings, E. M. and colleagues, Child Development. al.nd.edu
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About adverse childhood experiences. cdc.gov