When the Nanny's Rules Are Not Your Rules

The short answer: a carer is a help, not a replacement. Agree the few rules that matter, safety, who collects, what to do in an emergency, and say them once, clearly.

A film you would never allow. Biscuits for lunch. “I let them stay up a little, they were so good.” It is easy to feel that your authority has been replaced, and easy to forget how much this person does for your family.

My view: a carer is a help, not a replacement. A little outside influence can be good for a child. But the raising, and the final word, belong to the mother and father. No one fears for a child more than they do. So the parents set the few rules that matter, and the carer is trusted with the rest.

This article is short on theory and long on practice. It offers a checklist for agreeing rules with a nanny, a nursery or any regular carer, and a way to talk about it that keeps the relationship warm.

Why it matters, briefly

Children can live with different styles. What they need is that the important rules hold, and that the adults who care for them trust each other.

Research suggests that the bond between a young child and their carer matters. In a study of children starting childcare, the child’s daily stress patterns were more likely to settle into a healthy rhythm when the child was securely attached both to their mother and to the care provider (Ahnert, Eckstein-Madry & Datler 2022). A good relationship with a carer is not a threat to the parent’s place. It is part of what keeps the child well.

So the goal is not to make the carer a copy of you. It is to agree on the few things that cannot differ, and trust them with the rest.

The checklist: five areas to agree on

Go through these five areas, ideally in writing, so nothing is left to guessing.

1. Safety (cannot bend)

• Car seats, roads, water, heights, medicines, cleaning products
• Who may collect the child, and who may not
• What to do in an emergency, and whose number to call first

2. Health (cannot bend)

• Allergies and any medical needs, written clearly
• Medicines: when, how much, and only as agreed
• Naps: times and length, if sleep matters a lot for your child

3. Discipline (agree the method)

• No hitting, shouting or shaming, ever. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that parents and caregivers should not hit or spank children, and calls harsh verbal discipline ineffective and harmful (AAP, HealthyChildren)
• What the carer should do when the child hits, refuses or melts down
• Which behaviour you want to hear about the same day

4. Screens and food (agree a range)

• Screen time: how much, which content, and when
• Snacks and meals: what is fine, what is a treat, what is never

5. Handovers (agree a ritual)

• A short, predictable goodbye at drop-off; ZERO TO THREE advises saying goodbye every time rather than slipping away (ZERO TO THREE)
• A short report at pickup: sleep, food, mood, anything unusual
• A familiar object from home, if it helps

Everything not on the list can be the carer’s own style. Children can enjoy that difference.

Why the reasons matter as much as the rules

A rule without a reason tends to bend the moment you leave the room. A carer who hears only “no screens before lunch” may decide it does not matter on a rainy day. A carer who hears “he sleeps badly when he watches screens in the morning, and then the whole evening is hard” understands what the rule protects.

Reasons turn a list into a shared purpose. They also show the carer respect: you are not giving orders to an employee, you are explaining your child to someone who cares for them.

It can also help to ask the carer what they have noticed. They spend many hours with your child, often in situations you never see. Their observations may change one of your rules, or confirm it.

How to have the conversation

Some ways that tend to keep the relationship warm:

• Pick a quiet time, not the doorway at six in the evening.
• Start with what is going well, and say it specifically. “The children love the songs you sing with them.”
• Explain the reasons, especially for the unbending rules. A carer who understands why is far more likely to follow the rule when you are not there.
• Ask what they need from you. Maybe they need clearer information, an earlier pickup, or backup when the children test them.
• Agree to review it. A short check-in after two weeks, and then every month or two.

When it is not about rules

If you see signs that a carer is treating your child harshly, ignoring safety, or if your child seems frightened of them, take it seriously. Talk to the carer or the nursery manager, visit unannounced if you can, and trust what you see. If a child is in danger now, call your local emergency number.

This week

This week, fill in the five areas above, alone or with your partner. Keep the “cannot bend” sections short and clear. Then choose a quiet moment to go through it with the carer, starting with thanks.

At the end of the week, notice two things: did the important rules hold, and does the carer seem more relaxed or more tense? A good agreement usually makes everyone calmer, including the children, who no longer have to wonder which adult’s rules apply today.

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Next step

Make the agreement on paper. Answer a few questions about where the rules clash, and get a printable care agreement plus a 7-day sheet. Care agreement →

Sources

• Ahnert, L., Eckstein-Madry, T. & Datler, W. (2022). Applied Developmental Science. Record
• American Academy of Pediatrics (2018). Disciplining your child. HealthyChildren.org
• ZERO TO THREE (2021). Separation anxiety. zerotothree.org