When Your Parents Criticise Your Parenting: What to Say

The short answer: no one fears for a child more than the child’s own mother and father. Smile, say “of course”, then the parent whose family it is speaks to them, calmly and in private.

Your mother says you are too soft. Your father-in-law says the children have no respect. Your sister tells your son he can stay up, right after you said no. Every family has a third party who steps into the raising of the children: grandparents, in-laws, aunts, the relative who lives with you.

Most of them mean well. That is what makes it hard.

My view, plainly

No one in the world fears for a child more than the child’s mother and father. Grandparents love deeply. Aunts and uncles love. But the responsibility, and the final word, belong to the parents.

A little outside input can be good. A grandmother’s experience, an uncle’s patience, a fresh pair of eyes. But not much. When the interference grows, it usually spoils things in one of two ways: domination through harshness (“In my day a slap fixed that”) or domination through leniency (“Let him have it, he’s only little”). Either way, the child learns that the parents’ rules can be cancelled by someone else.

The rule I give couples

Each spouse speaks to their own family.

If your mother is interfering, you speak to her, not your partner. If his parents are interfering, he speaks to them. This one rule prevents more family wars than any other. A wife who corrects her mother-in-law becomes the enemy. A son who speaks to his own mother is still her son.

What to say in the moment

Start gently. A small smile, and a simple word: “Of course.” Or: “I hear you.” You are not agreeing. You are refusing to fight in front of the children.

Then do what you had decided anyway.

If the comment comes in front of the child, or the relative overrules you directly:

• “Thanks, Mum. We’ve decided on this one.”
• “I know you did it differently. This is how we’re doing it.”
• To the child, calmly: “The rule is still the same.”

Short. Polite. Respectful. Calm.

What to say later, in private

Choose a quiet moment, without the children, without your partner’s family present. Speak to your own parent.

• “I know you love them, and I’m grateful you care. I need you to leave the raising to us.”
• “When you change our rules in front of them, they stop listening to us. Please tell me privately if you disagree.”
• “We value your experience. Can I come to you for advice, instead of you correcting us in front of the children?”

The aim is not to win. It is to move the conversation from in front of the children to between adults.

What to avoid

• Arguing in front of the children. They learn that the family is a battlefield and that adults can be played against each other.
• Speaking about your partner’s family to the children. Whatever you think of your in-laws, they are your children’s grandparents. Don’t make your child carry your resentment.
• Correcting your partner’s parents yourself. That is your partner’s job, not yours.
• Giving in to keep the peace. One “fine, let him” teaches the child that grandma’s house has different laws, and teaches grandma that pushing works.
• Cutting them off at the first conflict. Most interference can be handled with good manners and clear words. Distance is for serious harm, not for ordinary friction.

When the couple is not together

If the relatives take sides in your marriage, or in a separation, the same rule holds even more strongly. Each person speaks to their own family. Ask them clearly not to speak badly of the other parent in front of the children. Bad-mouthing usually turns the child toward the one being attacked, and shrinks the one doing the attacking.

Check your own role

Sometimes relatives step in because there is a gap. A grandmother who does the bedtime every night because no one else does. A grandfather who disciplines because the father is never home. Before asking them to step back, ask honestly: Am I doing my role? If the answer is no, the first conversation is with yourself.

When it is more than interference

If a relative hits your child, frightens them, or speaks to them in a way that harms them, that is not a difference of opinion. Protect your child first, and limit contact if needed. If anyone is in danger, call your local emergency number.

One step this week

Pick the one comment that hurts most, and the one relative who says it. Decide which of you, you or your partner, speaks to them. Then have that private conversation before the next family visit.

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Next step

Look at the pattern between the adults. Answer a few questions about the tensions that keep repeating in your family, and get a 7-day sheet. Pattern Check →