When My Partner Undermines Me in Front of the Kids

The short answer: when one parent overrules the other in front of the children, the children learn to play the gap. Say little in the moment, then settle it behind a closed door and come out together.

You say no. Your partner says, “Oh, let him have ten more minutes.” Your child looks from one of you to the other, and learns which door to knock on.

My principle on this is firm. Problems between parents are settled behind a closed door, and the parents come out to the children together. Not with his decision or hers, but with a third decision both can stand behind, one that is bigger than the father’s picture and bigger than the mother’s. Overruling each other in front of a child breaks that, every time.

What may be happening

Very few partners undermine each other on purpose. More often, one of these is going on:

• Different rules, never discussed. Each of you brought rules from your own childhood, and nobody ever sat down to compare them.
• A tired moment. Overruling can be the path of least resistance at the end of a long day.
• A wish to be the kind parent. Sometimes one adult, especially the one who is home less, wants the time they have to be warm and easy.
• An old disagreement, playing out through the child. Sometimes the screen time is standing in for something bigger between the adults.

Researchers who study how parents work together describe four parts of co-parenting: agreeing on how to raise the children, dividing the work, supporting rather than undermining each other, and managing family moments together (Feinberg 2003). Undermining is one of the clearest signs that the team needs some attention, not that the team has failed.

Why children notice

Children are quick to learn where the adults disagree. It is not manipulation in a cold sense. It is a child doing what children do: finding the path to what they want.

But there is a cost. A large review linked conflict about the child, and conflict that is not resolved, with more difficulties for children (van Eldik and colleagues 2020). A child who learns to play one parent against the other also learns that the adults are not a safe, united shelter.

In the moment: what to say

The aim in the moment is not to win. It is to protect the child from being in the middle.

Say:

• “Let me talk with your dad (or mum) about this for a minute.” Then step away together.
• “We’ll decide together. For now, the answer is wait.”
• “Your mum and I need to sort this out. It’s not your job.”

Avoid:

• Arguing about it in front of the child.
• “Fine, do whatever you want then,” and walking out.
• Asking the child to choose: “Who do you want to listen to?”
• Criticising your partner to the child, even later: “Your father always gives in.”

Every Fight Protects Something puts it simply: never overrule the other adult in front of the child. Say instead, “Let me talk with your dad first.”

Later: what to say to each other

The real conversation happens when the children are asleep, and when you are both calm.

Say:

• “When you said yes after I said no, I felt pushed aside in front of him. Can we talk about how to handle this?”
• “Which rules matter most to you? Here are mine.”
• “When we disagree, can we agree to talk privately first, and then tell the children together?”

Avoid:

• “You always…” and “You never…”
• Bringing up every past example at once.
• Turning it into a question of who is the better parent.

You may discover that your partner did not even notice they had undermined you. Or that they have felt overruled by you in other moments. Both are worth hearing.

A shared rule for disagreements

Many couples find it helps to agree on one simple rule: two adults who can disagree privately, decide together. In front of the children, you back each other on the decision of the moment, even if you would have chosen differently. In private, you talk it through and, if needed, change the rule together next time.

A coparenting programme built on ideas like these, deciding together, supporting rather than undermining, managing conflict in front of the child, led to better coparenting and fewer child behaviour problems in two trials (Feinberg and colleagues 2014).

When it is more than disagreement

If being overruled is part of a wider pattern of control, belittling you, threatening you, controlling money or contact with others, or making you afraid, that is not a co-parenting disagreement. It deserves support from someone you trust or a local support service. If you are in danger now, call your local emergency number.

Before tomorrow

Tonight, if you can, sit down together and each write down your five most important rules for the children. Do it separately first.

Then compare. Circle the rules you share. Talk about the ones you do not. Agree on which three will be “united rules” from now on, the ones you will always back each other on in front of the children.

Over the next week, notice how often the children try to go around one of you, and what happens when they find the door closed by both parents together. Many families find the knocking stops sooner than they expected.

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Next step

See it from the child’s height. Answer a few questions about how disagreements go in your home, and get a 7-day sheet for the two of you, or just for you. What do the kids see? →

How to Bring Order Back Home has a chapter on this: one home, two voices. (Book card)

Sources

• Feinberg, M. E. (2003). The internal structure and ecological context of coparenting: a framework for research and intervention. Parenting: Science and Practice. Record
• van Eldik, W. M. and colleagues (2020). Psychological Bulletin, 146(7). Record
• Feinberg, M. E. and colleagues (2014). Journal of Family Psychology, 28(6). Record