Raising Twins and Close-in-Age Siblings as Individuals

The short answer: each child must be helped to draw their own identity, and twins need this more than anyone. Use their names, not “the twins”, and give each one time of their own.

“Which one are you?” a neighbour asks, smiling. “The twins” are invited to parties together, put in the same photos, given the same presents. At school, teachers mix up their names. At home, they share a room, a birthday cake, and often a nickname.

For parents of twins, or of children born only a year or so apart, life can feel like raising a pair. And for the children, it can sometimes feel like being half of something rather than a whole person.

My view: each child must be helped to draw their own identity, and twins need this more than anyone. We do not draw it for them, and we certainly do not draw one picture for two children. And fairness means equal attention, not identical portions. Two children can receive different things and both feel fully seen.

Here are some common myths, and what tends to help.

Myth 1: “Twins are always best friends.”

What we know: Some twins are very close. Some are not. Many are close at some ages and distant at others. Like all siblings, twins can love each other, compete, argue and need space from each other.

Expecting twins to be best friends can put pressure on them, and make them feel something is wrong if they aren’t. It helps to let their relationship be whatever it naturally is.

Myth 2: “Treating them the same is the fairest way.”

What we know: Fair is not always the same. Two children, even twins, can have different personalities, interests, strengths and needs. One may want to play football, the other to draw. One may need more reassurance, the other more independence.

Treating them identically can hide those differences. Treating them as individuals, while keeping things fair, often helps each child feel truly seen.

Myth 3: “Twins should always be together at school.”

What we know: There is no single answer. The UK charity Twins Trust advises that “There’s no single rule for whether twins, triplets or more should share a class,” and that schools shouldn’t have a rigid rule either way. Being together can help some children settle, especially at first. Separate classes can give others room to form their own friendships and be known by teachers for themselves (Twins Trust).

The best choice depends on each child’s personality and confidence, and can be reviewed over time.

Myth 4: “Children close in age will entertain each other, so they need less individual attention.”

What we know: Siblings close in age often do play together a lot, which can be wonderful. But each child still needs time alone with a parent, where they are not compared, interrupted or shared. Many adults who were “the twins” or one of two close siblings say they rarely had a parent to themselves.

Even ten minutes a few times a week, alone with each child, can make a difference.

Myth 5: “Comparisons are harmless.”

What we know: Comparisons between children close in age happen constantly, often from relatives, teachers and friends. “She walked first.” “He’s the clever one.” “She’s the shy twin.”

These labels can stick for life, and shape how children see themselves and each other. A child always called “the quiet one” may never get to be loud. A child always compared unfavourably may carry it into adulthood.

Myth 6: “Sibling rivalry between twins is worse.”

What we know: Rivalry between twins or close-in-age siblings can be strong, because they are often at the same stage, wanting the same things at the same time. But rivalry is not a sign of failure. It is part of how siblings learn to share, negotiate, and become themselves.

What helps is not stopping all rivalry, but making sure neither child feels less loved or always the loser.

What helps each child become themselves

• Use their names, not “the twins” or “the boys”.
• Separate birthday cakes or candles, and separate “happy birthdays”.
• Different clothes, if they want them. Let them choose.
• Different activities, based on each child’s interests.
• Separate friendships, and sometimes separate playdates.
• One-to-one time with each parent.
• Talk about each child to others in their own terms, without comparing.

When one is “the easy one”

In many pairs, one child is quieter or easier, and the other needs more. Parents can end up giving most of their attention to the louder child, and praising the easier one for “never being a problem”.

The easy child may learn that being easy is how they are loved. It is worth checking in with them on purpose: “How are you, really?” Quiet children often have big feelings too.

For tired parents

Raising twins or babies close in age is exhausting, especially in the early years. Many parents of twins, and particularly mothers, describe feeling they never get enough time with either child. That is not failure. It is the reality of two small children at once. Twin and multiple-birth organisations often run support groups where parents share practical help.

If you are raising twins alone, go easy on yourself. You cannot be two parents, and you don’t have to be. You are asked to do your role, not to succeed at everything. As they grow, give each of them real jobs in the house; children who carry part of the home with you lighten it, and learn responsibility at the same time.

When to look closer

If one child seems to live in the other’s shadow, is very anxious about being apart, or seems unhappy, withdrawn or struggling at school, talk to their teacher or doctor. Sometimes small changes, like different classes or activities, make a big difference.

This week

This week, spend ten minutes alone with each child, doing something they choose. At the end of each time, tell them one thing you love about them, not about them as a pair, but about who they are on their own.

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Next step

Look at one real evening. Answer a few questions about what happened between your children, and get a 7-day sheet to try. Try Tonight’s log →

Sources

• Twins Trust. Should twins be kept together or split up at school? twinstrust.org