The Changing Role of Fathers at Home

The short answer: a father can bring his children everything and still fall short if he isn’t present. Do your role at home in spirit as well as in body: whole jobs, not help.

Many fathers today do things their own fathers never did: bath time, homework, nightmares, doctor’s visits. Many feel they are learning a job nobody taught them.

My view is direct. A father can bring his children everything and still be falling short. Money, presents and a roof are part of the role, not the whole of it. To a child, the father is the hero; he must be present in spirit as well as in body. In many homes the mother is the closest parent, and that is natural. But a father who is there in body and absent in spirit, on the phone at dinner, a stranger to his children’s friends and fears, leaves the mother carrying two roles and the children missing one. The question I ask every father is the one I ask every mother: are you doing your role, really?

What has changed

In many countries, fathers today do much more daily care than fathers did a generation or two ago. In the United States, the Pew Research Center found that fathers spent about 2.5 hours a week on child care in 1965, rising to 7.3 hours a week in 2011. Fathers’ housework rose from about four hours a week to about ten (Pew Research Center 2013).

Many fathers now do the school run, attend parent meetings, cook dinner, and take time off when a child is ill. Some are the main carer at home. Some are single fathers, raising children alone.

What hasn’t changed yet

The same Pew data showed that in 2011, mothers still spent more time on child care, about 13.5 hours a week. In many homes, mothers still carry more of the daily care and, often, the invisible planning: remembering appointments, buying the birthday present, knowing which child needs new shoes.

Some fathers want to do more but don’t know how. Some feel unwelcome or awkward in spaces built around mothers: baby groups, school gates, parenting websites. Some are told they are “helping” or “babysitting” when they are simply parenting their own children.

Why it matters for children

Children who have warm, involved fathers, or other male carers, gain another close relationship, another way of being comforted, played with, and guided. A father who does bath time, reads stories and knows the name of his child’s best friend is part of the everyday fabric of his child’s life.

Children also learn about what men and fathers do by watching. A son who sees his father cook, clean and comfort learns that care is not only a mother’s job. A daughter who sees it learns what she can expect from a partner one day.

What fathers often carry

Many fathers today are doing something their own fathers did not show them. That can bring uncertainty: Am I doing this right? It can bring tiredness, especially for fathers who work long hours and then come home to bath time and homework. And for some, it brings an ache: a sense of what they missed from their own fathers.

Fathers who live apart from their children after separation carry another weight: wanting to be involved in the daily things, but only having weekends. Being a hands-on father across two homes takes extra effort and creativity.

What helps fathers be at home

Take whole tasks. Not “helping” with bath time, but owning it, every Tuesday and Thursday. Not “helping” with the doctor, but booking and attending the appointments.

Learn the invisible work. The school calendar, the next vaccination, the friend’s birthday. Ask your partner to share what is in their head, and take some of it into yours.

Find other fathers. Dads’ groups, online communities, friends with young children. Talking with other fathers can make the job feel less lonely.

Talk to your children about your own childhood. “My dad never did this with me. I’m glad I get to do it with you.” Children often treasure these words.

After separation, stay in the daily life. Phone calls at a fixed time, homework help over video, knowing their teachers, going to school events. Stay present materially and emotionally, and be regular. Daily involvement doesn’t need daily presence, but it does need reliability.

Be the example. Don’t lie in front of your children. Name your mistakes as mistakes. Treat their mother with respect, together or apart. Set goals for yourself where they can see. Sons and daughters learn most of what a man is by watching their father.

Fathers alone

Some fathers are raising their children alone, after separation, death, or by choice. They do every bath, every school run, every night waking. They often face the same loneliness single mothers know, with fewer people asking how they are.

If you are a single father, you are not “helping” or “babysitting”. You are parenting, fully. It is worth finding other single fathers, or any parents in the same position, so the weight is shared somewhere. And if you see a father alone at the school gate, a simple “How are you doing?” can mean more than you think.

For mothers reading this

Many mothers say they want their partner to do more, and also find it hard to let go of doing things “their way”. It can help to let fathers find their own way of bathing, dressing, or comforting, even if it looks different. Children benefit from different styles of care.

One step this week

Choose one whole part of your children’s life that you will own from now on: bath time on two evenings, the school run on Mondays, the dentist, the weekly call if you live apart. Not helping with it. Owning it. Keep it for eight weeks without fail. Children remember the father who was there on ordinary days far longer than the one who arrived with presents.

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Next step

Check your roles. Answer a few questions about who carries what with the children. Both parents can answer on one phone. Get one step for tonight and a 7-day sheet. Roles Check →

Sources

• Pew Research Center (2013). Americans’ time at paid work, housework, child care, 1965 to 2011. pewresearch.org