Staying Connected as a Couple While Raising Young Kids

The short answer: small children can leave little room for the two adults who started the family. Small daily rituals keep a couple close without needing time or money you don’t have.

Before the children, you talked for hours. You knew what the other was reading, worrying about, dreaming of. Now, most of your conversations are about nappies, school forms and whose turn it is to do bath time. Some days, the most intimate thing you share is a tired look across a messy kitchen.

That is normal for the years with young children. Research suggests that satisfaction in the couple relationship often dips after children arrive, though how much varies a great deal between couples (Bogdan, Turliuc & Candel 2022). In one small study of newlyweds who became parents, many of the drops in satisfaction were not even noticed until a year after the birth (University of Washington, on Shapiro, Gottman & Carrère 2000).

I believe one of the most common mistakes in young families is this: the couple pours everything into the children and forgets itself. Then, a few years later, two tired strangers cannot agree on anything, and the children feel it. A family needs a shared goal and a shared responsibility, and the two people at its centre need to stay a couple, not only a team of parents.

A dip is not a verdict. But it does not fix itself either. Couples who come through these years closer usually do it through small, repeated habits, not grand gestures. Here are eight that ask very little.

1. The ten-minute check-in

Once a day, ten minutes without logistics. No schedules, no bills, no children. Just: “How are you, really?” or “What’s been on your mind?” Phones in another room. Ten minutes is short enough to protect even on hard days.

2. Hello and goodbye, properly

When one of you leaves or comes home, stop for a moment. A real hello, a real goodbye, a touch. It takes seconds. Over months, it says: you still matter more than the to-do list.

3. Share the invisible load

Resentment is one of the quietest threats to closeness. When one partner carries most of the noticing, planning and remembering in the house, distance can grow without anyone deciding it should (Daminger 2019). Handing over whole areas, not single jobs, can free space for warmth.

4. A united front

Decide together, disagree privately. Settle problems behind a closed door, and come out to the children with one decision, a third one that both of you can stand behind. And don’t criticise each other over nothing: small daily remarks wear down closeness faster than big fights. Researchers who study how parents work together describe supporting rather than undermining each other as one of the core parts of co-parenting (Feinberg 2003). Feeling backed up by your partner in front of the children is a kind of intimacy too.

5. Repair quickly

You will snap at each other. Small children make sure of that. What matters is coming back. “I was short with you earlier. I’m sorry. It wasn’t about you.” Children who see their parents repair learn something precious about love.

6. One evening that is yours

Once a week, or once a fortnight, an evening that belongs to the two of you. It does not need a babysitter or money. Dinner after the children are asleep, at the table instead of the sofa. A film you both chose. A walk around the block while a grandparent listens for the children.

7. Notice the small reach

When your partner says “Look at this,” or sighs, or touches your shoulder, turn toward it, even for a second. Small reaches that are answered build closeness. Small reaches that are ignored slowly teach people to stop reaching.

8. Remember who you were

Every now and then, talk about the two people who started all this. How you met. A trip you took. A joke only you understand. Not to mourn the past, but to remember that those two people are still in the room, under the tiredness.

If you are doing this alone

Some readers will look at this list with a tired smile, because there is no partner to check in with. If you are raising children alone, many of these rituals can still apply to the other close relationships in your life: a sister, a friend, a parent. Closeness with other adults is not a luxury in the busy years. It is part of what keeps a parent whole.

Why it matters beyond the two of you

Children are affected by how their parents get along. A large review found that hostility, withdrawal and unresolved conflict between parents were linked to more difficulties for children (van Eldik and colleagues 2020). The reverse is hopeful: two parents who stay close, repair after arguments and back each other up give their children a steady shelter.

In a trial of a programme that helped expectant parents work as a team, coparenting improved and child behaviour problems fell in the years that followed (Feinberg and colleagues 2014).

When it is more than tiredness

If the distance comes with contempt, control, threats, or fear, that is not ordinary drift, and it deserves support from someone you trust or a local service. If you are in danger now, call your local emergency number. If one of you seems persistently low, withdrawn or hopeless, that is worth a conversation with a doctor.

A question to carry

Choose one ritual from the list, only one, and try it every day this week. At the end of the week, ask each other one question: “Did that make a difference?”

If the answer is yes, keep it and add another. If it is no, try a different one. Closeness in the busiest years is rarely built by one big change. It is built by small habits, kept long enough to matter.

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Next step

See your evenings from the children’s height. Answer a few questions about how things are between the two of you, and get a 7-day sheet. If the load is part of it, the Load Map can help you share it. What do the kids see? → Load Map →

Sources

• Bogdan, I., Turliuc, M. N. & Candel, O. S. (2022). Frontiers in Psychology. Article
• University of Washington (2000), on Shapiro, Gottman & Carrère. News release
• Daminger, A. (2019). American Sociological Review, 84(4). Record
• Feinberg, M. E. (2003). Parenting: Science and Practice. Record
• van Eldik, W. M. and colleagues (2020). Psychological Bulletin, 146(7). Record
• Feinberg, M. E. and colleagues (2014). Journal of Family Psychology, 28(6). Record