Tantrum or Meltdown? How to Tell the Difference at Home

The short answer: in a tantrum, the child still has some control and is pushing for something. In a meltdown, the child has lost control and can’t stop even if they get what they wanted. A tantrum needs a calm, firm line. A meltdown needs safety and quiet.

The test

Ask yourself one question: if I gave them what they want right now, would it stop?

• Yes, it would stop fast: probably a tantrum. The child is pushing for the biscuit, the screen, the toy.
• No, it would carry on: probably a meltdown. The child is overwhelmed: too tired, too much noise, too many changes, too many feelings.

Don’t actually give in to test it. Just ask the question in your head. Most parents know the answer.

Other clues:

Tantrum	Meltdown
Checks if you’re watching	Doesn’t seem to notice you
Stops when they get it, or when they give up	Carries on, then slowly runs out
Often starts after a “no”	Often starts after too much: noise, crowds, tiredness, change
The child can sometimes be distracted	Distraction doesn’t reach them

What to do in a tantrum

• Hold the line. “The answer is no.” Once. Calm.
• Don’t argue, don’t explain ten times. Explaining during a tantrum feeds it.
• Stay near. Not leaving, not lecturing.
• When it’s over, it’s over. A hug, and move on. No “I hope you’re ashamed”.

What to do in a meltdown

• Safety first. Move anything that could hurt them. Move them away from the crowd if you can.
• Less, not more. Fewer words, less noise, less light. One calm sentence: “I’m here.”
• Wait it out. A meltdown has to run down. You can’t talk a child out of it.
• Look at what came before. Next time, you may be able to prevent the overload.

Is it normal?

Tantrums usually start around 18 months and become far less common by age 4 (NHS). In a large study of about 1,500 children aged three to five, more than eight in ten had had a tantrum in the past month, and fewer than one in ten had one every day (NIMH, on Wakschlag and colleagues 2012).

When to talk to a doctor

This article can’t diagnose anything. Talk to your child’s doctor if:

• outbursts happen most days, are very intense, or last a long time
• your child seems angry or irritable most of the day, between the outbursts too
• they hurt themselves or others during outbursts
• they are older than five and it isn’t easing
• meltdowns often come with noise, clothes, food textures or changes in routine

These don’t mean something is wrong. They mean it is worth asking someone who can look properly.

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Next step

Look at one hard moment. Answer a few questions and see whether it was the place, hunger, the word no, stopping, wanting you, or just the moment. What happened before the meltdown? → Tantrum or meltdown? →

Sources

• NHS. Temper tantrums. nhs.uk
• NIMH (2012). Daily or severe tantrums may point to mental health issues, on Wakschlag and colleagues. nimh.nih.gov