Why Does My Teenager Lie About Where They Were?

The short answer: you must know where your teenager is and with whom. The best way to know is closeness and a clear going-out agreement, not spying.

“I was at Sam’s.” But Sam’s mother says they weren’t. Finding out that your teenager has lied about where they were shakes a parent deeply: fear first, then hurt, then anger.

My view has two halves. I must know where my son and daughter are, who their friends are, and what they are doing. The generation has changed; there is more violence among some young people, and harmful ideas travel fast. A parent who does not know is not respecting privacy. They are absent. And the best way to know is closeness and agreement, not spying. Teenagers tell the truth to parents who are close, calm and fair, and who agree the rules with them in advance. In real danger, everything changes: you step in with complete firmness.

Why teenagers lie about where they go

Most teenagers who lie about where they were are not trying to hurt their parents. Common reasons include:

• Wanting freedom. They expect a “no”, so they don’t ask.
• Fearing your reaction. They think the truth will lead to shouting, punishment, or a long lecture.
• Peer pressure. Plans change, and they go along without telling you.
• Embarrassment. About who they were with, or what they were doing.
• Testing boundaries. Part of growing up is finding out how far they can go.

None of this makes lying acceptable. But it suggests where the answer lies: in making the truth easier to tell.

What research suggests about knowing where they are

For many years, parents were advised to “monitor” teenagers: to check, track, and ask. But research by Margaret Kerr and Håkan Stattin found that what parents actually know about teenagers’ lives comes mostly from what teenagers choose to tell them. In their study, “children’s spontaneous disclosure of information” explained more of the link between parental knowledge and good adjustment than parents’ tracking did. They concluded that tracking and surveillance “are not as effective as previously thought” (Kerr & Stattin 2000).

In plain words: the best way to know where your teen is, is for your teen to want to tell you. And teenagers tell more to parents who react calmly, listen, and are not harsh.

Checklist: When you find out about a lie

• Wait until you are calm. If you are shaking with fear or anger, say: “We need to talk about tonight. Tomorrow.”
• Start with safety, not blame. “I was scared because I didn’t know where you were. If something had happened, I wouldn’t have known where to find you.”
• State what you know, without traps. “I saw the photo from the party. I know you weren’t at Sam’s.”
• Listen to their side. Why didn’t they tell you? What did they think you would say?
• Agree a fair consequence. Linked to the trust that was broken: for example, a week of checking in more often. Not a humiliation.
• Show how trust can be rebuilt. “If you tell me where you really are for the next few weeks, the extra check-ins can stop.”

The going-out agreement

Many families find it helps to write a simple agreement together, when everyone is calm. The aim is safety and trust, not control.

Before going out, I will tell you:

• where I am going;
• who I will be with;
• how I am getting there and back;
• when I will be home.

If plans change, I will:

• send a message saying where I am now.

If I am in trouble, or somewhere I don’t want to be, I can:

• call or message, and I will be picked up, with no lecture that night. We can talk the next day.

The parent agrees to:

• say yes when it is reasonably safe;
• explain when the answer is no;
• stay calm when told the truth, even if the truth is hard;
• keep the “pick-up with no lecture” promise.

That last part is important. A teenager who knows they can call for help without being shouted at is much more likely to call when it matters most.

For the parent alone

If you are a single parent, every late night may be yours alone. Take a breath first, and lean on the agreement more than on your own worry: clear times, clear places, the pick-up promise. Know the parents of your teenager’s closest friends; it is part of knowing your child’s world. And make sure you have an emergency plan for the night something truly goes wrong.

If you live apart from your teenager, agree the same basic rules with the other parent if you can. A teen who has very different rules in two houses may lie more to the stricter one.

When it is more than lying

If your teenager is often missing, coming home very late, seems to be using alcohol or drugs, has new older friends you don’t know, or seems frightened or secretive in a new way, take it seriously. Talk to their school, a doctor, or a youth support service. If you believe your teen is in danger, or cannot reach them and are seriously worried, call your local emergency number.

Before you talk

Before talking to your teen, write down one sentence you want them to hear above all else. Many parents find it is this one: “Whatever happens, I would rather know the truth and come and get you, than not know where you are.”

Say it calmly. Then say it again, on a good day, when nothing has gone wrong.

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Next step

Before your next big talk. Answer a few questions about what keeps happening between you and your teen, and get a 7-day sheet for the week ahead. Before you talk →

Sources

• Kerr, M. & Stattin, H. (2000). What parents know, how they know it, and several forms of adolescent adjustment: further support for a reinterpretation of monitoring. Developmental Psychology, 36(3), 366–380. PubMed