Toddler Tantrums at the Same Time Every Day: What the Clock Says

The short answer: if the meltdown comes at the same hour most days, look at the hour before you look at the child. Hunger, tiredness and the end of a long day usually explain more than temper does.

Take a breath first. A toddler who melts down every afternoon is not a verdict on you. Most parents of two-year-olds go to bed some nights wondering what kind of parent cannot stop a child crying over a broken biscuit. The answer is: most parents.

My view is simple. Before you ask what is wrong with your child, ask what the hour is asking of your child. When the storm keeps coming at the same time, the clock is often telling you something your child cannot.

A body that is still learning to carry big feelings

Tantrums usually begin around 18 months and become much less common by age 4. The NHS lists the usual triggers plainly: being tired, hungry or frustrated, and not yet having the words for what is wrong (NHS).

Notice what is missing from that list. There is no “testing you”, no “manipulating”. A toddler has the feelings of a whole person and the language of a few words. The gap between the two has to go somewhere. Often it goes into the floor.

And sometimes there is no deeper reason at all. A small child sometimes screams because they want to scream. You do not have to find a meaning in every storm. You do have to stay steady through it.

Most tantrums are also shorter than they feel. In one study of 335 young children, the most common length was half a minute to a minute, and about three in four were over within five minutes (Potegal, Kosorok & Davidson 2003). Anger rose fast and peaked early. Crying and the wish for comfort came later.

That last part matters. In an earlier study, about three in ten tantrums ended with the child coming back to the parent, often after the longest screaming (Potegal & Davidson 1997). The child who pushed you away a minute ago may be looking for your lap now.

Why the same hour?

When a meltdown keeps arriving at the same time, the clock may be telling you what your child cannot.

Late afternoon is often when the tank is emptiest. The last meal was hours ago. The nap was short, or skipped, or too late. The day has asked for a hundred small acts of patience: waiting, sharing, stopping, starting.

Sleep is a big part of this. In a small experiment, toddlers who missed one nap showed about a third fewer happy reactions and about a third more upset ones the same afternoon (Berger and colleagues 2012). It was only ten children, so it is a hint, not a law. But many parents will recognise it.

So before you ask what is wrong with my child, it may help to ask what is the hour asking of my child.

A surprise about warnings

Many parents are told to give a warning before a change: “Two more minutes, then bath.” It sounds kind and sensible, and sometimes it is.

But the research is thinner than the advice. In one study of families with children aged one to five, endings were sometimes harder after a countdown, and easier when they were part of a routine the child already knew (University of Washington, on Hiniker and colleagues 2016). For some children, the warning may simply give the upset a head start.

What may help more is the same order every day: snack, then play, then bath, then book. When the order is always the same, the child does not have to fight each change, because the change is no longer news.

During the storm

While a tantrum is happening, reasoning rarely reaches anyone. What tends to help is quieter:

• Keep everyone safe. Move what can break or hurt.
• Change the place. Carry your child to a quieter room, or step outside for a minute. Very often the trouble is the place itself: too loud, too bright, too close to the thing they wanted. A new place cools a storm faster than words.
• Stay close, or nearby if being close makes it worse.
• Name the feeling slowly and softly: “You wanted the whole biscuit.”
• Do not give in to what started it, and do not punish the feeling.
• When it is over, offer comfort. Talk about it later, in a calm moment, in very few words.

This follows the advice of the Raising Children Network, reviewed by a developmental paediatrician (Raising Children). The feeling is not the enemy. But giving in to end it teaches a child that a scene is a way to get things. Hold the limit, and hold the child.

The first seven years

I think of the first seven years of a child’s life as the years of affection and play. Not rules first, not lectures. Closeness, warmth, games, safety. A toddler who gets enough of these in the calm hours has more to draw on in the hard ones.

So ask yourself honestly: Am I doing my role in the calm hours too? Is there play before the storm, or only correction during it? Is the home calm at four o’clock, or is it the loudest, most rushed hour of the day for everyone? A toddler often shows us the temperature of the house.

When to talk to a doctor

These lines are taken from official guidance, not rewritten. Talk to your child’s doctor if:

• tantrums get worse after age 4
• your child injures themselves or others, or destroys property during tantrums
• your child holds their breath during tantrums, especially if they faint
• your child also has nightmares, reversal of toilet training, headaches, stomach aches or anxiety

(UF Health, based on American Academy of Pediatrics guidance)

And if your child has lost skills they once had, the CDC’s advice is: don’t wait. Talk to the doctor (CDC).

If someone is hurt or in danger now, call your local emergency number.

Begin with the clock, not the child

For three days, write down only the time of each meltdown, and what happened in the ten minutes before. No judgment, no fixing. Just the clock and the moment before.

You may find that your child is not difficult at four o’clock. Four o’clock is difficult for your child.

Before tomorrow

Tonight, look at the clock the moment a meltdown begins, and write the time down. Then ask yourself one question: what happened in the ten minutes before? Not why. Just what. A snack refused. A screen switched off. A sibling who took the red cup.

Tomorrow, move one thing earlier by fifteen minutes. If the storms come at four, offer a small snack at half past three. If they come at bath time, start the bath routine before the tiredness arrives, not after.

Keep the change for three days. A single day proves very little, because toddlers have good days and bad days for reasons nobody can see. Three days in a row starts to tell you something.

And on the evening when it goes badly anyway, remember that most tantrums are over within minutes. Sit on the floor, nearby, and wait for the moment your child comes back. Very often, they do.

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Next step

Look at one real meltdown. Answer a few calm questions about what happened just before, and get a 7-day sheet built from your answers. What happened before the meltdown? →

Sources

• NHS. Temper tantrums. nhs.uk
• Potegal, M., Kosorok, M. R. & Davidson, R. J. (2003). Temper tantrums in young children: 2. Tantrum duration and temporal organization. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics. Record
• Potegal, M. & Davidson, R. J. (1997). Young children’s post-tantrum affiliation with their parents. Aggressive Behavior. Record
• Berger, R. H. and colleagues (2012). Acute sleep restriction effects on emotion responses in 30- to 36-month-old children. Journal of Sleep Research. PDF
• University of Washington (2016). Two-minute warnings make kids’ screen time tantrums worse. News release
• Raising Children Network. Tantrums. raisingchildren.net.au
• UF Health. Temper tantrums. ufhealth.org
• CDC. Milestones. cdc.gov