Arguing in Front of Kids: Why How It Ends Matters Most

The short answer: children are affected less by the fact that parents argue than by how the argument ends. Keep fights inside the room as much as you can, and let them see the repair.

My first principle on this is simple. As much as possible, fights stay inside the room. Husband and wife settle their disagreements behind a closed door, then come out to the children together, with one decision. Not his, not hers: a third decision that both can stand behind, bigger than the father’s picture and bigger than the mother’s.

But every couple knows that not every argument waits for the closed door. Sometimes the children hear. So the second question matters too: when they do hear, how does it end? Research suggests something hopeful and demanding: much depends on what happens after the last word.

Not whether, but how

Couples disagree. Disagreement is what happens when two real people share one house. Children have seen their parents disagree for as long as there have been parents.

A large review of 169 studies found that what was linked to children’s difficulties was not disagreement itself, but certain kinds of it: hostility, withdrawal and stonewalling, arguments that never get resolved, and arguments about the child (van Eldik and colleagues 2020). A UK government-commissioned review describes the risky kind as conflict that is “frequent, intense, and poorly resolved” (Harold and colleagues 2016).

Notice those two words: poorly resolved. The ending matters.

What the ending teaches

In one experiment, young children who had earlier seen adults’ arguments end in resolution were less distressed by a new argument than children who had seen them left unresolved (El-Sheikh, Cummings & Reiter 1996). It was a lab study with four- and five-year-olds, so it is a careful hint, not a guarantee. But the hint is clear: children may learn from the ending what an argument means.

An argument that ends in silence may teach: something broke, and nobody will say what. An argument that ends in repair may teach: people who love each other can disagree and come back.

That second lesson may be one of the most useful things a child can carry into adult life.

The child’s private question

Children do not only watch the argument. They interpret it. Researchers found that two questions in a child’s mind seem to matter most: Is this dangerous? and Is this my fault? (Grych 1991). Self-blame, especially, can bring guilt, shame and sadness.

This is why a simple sentence, said calmly afterwards, can be so powerful: “We disagreed about something. It was a grown-up disagreement. It was not about you, and we are okay.”

Only say it if it is true. Children are excellent detectors of performed calm. Pretending to agree, while the air stays cold, may confuse them more than an honest “we are still working it out”.

Repair that a child can see

Repair does not need to happen in front of the children in full. The adults’ feelings belong to the adults. But some sign of it can be visible:

• the two of you sitting together at the next meal
• one sentence to the child, like the one above
• an apology between the adults, when one is owed, said in a normal voice
• a decision about the child made together, so the child is not caught between two rules

A programme that taught expectant parents to decide together, support rather than undermine each other, and manage conflict in front of the child led to better co-parenting and fewer child behaviour problems in two trials (Feinberg and colleagues 2014). The lesson is not to stop disagreeing. It is to disagree like a team that is still a team.

The line that must never be crossed in front of them

Disagreement is one thing. Humiliation is another. The deepest harm I see is a child watching one parent insult or belittle the other, again and again. To a child, the mother is the best woman in the world and the father is the hero. When one of them humiliates the other, the picture shakes, and the child’s own personality shakes with it. And while parents are absorbed in their war, they drift away from their children, who then go looking outside the home for the good picture they lost.

You can disagree in front of a child. Never insult each other in front of a child.

When it is not conflict

There is a line this article cannot cross, and it is important to name it.

If one partner is afraid of the other, if there are threats, hitting, or control over money, phones, friends or movements, that is not a disagreement to be managed. The CDC describes psychological aggression as including communication meant “to exert control over a partner” (CDC). The US National Domestic Violence Hotline is clear that abuse “is not a relationship problem” that couples counselling can fix (The Hotline).

If this is your home, the advice in this article is not for you, and you deserve support, not techniques. Reach a person you trust or a local support service today. If you are in danger now, call your local emergency number.

The next time the voices stop

After the next argument, before the dishes and the phone, try asking yourself one question: What will our child think this argument meant?

You cannot always change how the argument went. You can almost always change how it ends.

A question to carry

Tonight, if you and your partner disagree, notice how it ends rather than how it starts. Before you leave the room, ask yourselves: is this finished, paused, or still open?

If it is paused, say so out loud: “We’ll talk about this after the children are asleep.” A paused argument with a time attached may feel very different to a child than one that simply goes silent.

Then, at the next meal, sit together, even if things are still tender between you. If your child seemed worried, give them the short sentence: “We disagreed. It was a grown-up thing. It’s not about you.”

Later, when the children are asleep, finish the conversation, or agree that you need more time. Either way, close the loop.

At the end of the week, ask yourselves one question together: did our child see any of our disagreements end? If the answer is yes, that is a lesson they will carry far longer than the argument.

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Next step

See it from the child’s height. Answer a few questions about how disagreements go in your home, and get a 7-day sheet for the two of you, or just for you. What do the kids see? →

How to Bring Order Back Home has a chapter on this: one home, two voices. (Book card)

Sources

• van Eldik, W. M. and colleagues (2020). Interparental conflict and children’s adjustment: a meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(7). Record
• Harold, G. and colleagues (2016). What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation for the UK Department for Work and Pensions. PDF
• El-Sheikh, M., Cummings, E. M. & Reiter, S. (1996). Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 24. Article
• Grych, J. H. (1991). University of Illinois record
• Feinberg, M. E. and colleagues (2014). Long-term follow-up of a randomized trial of Family Foundations. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(6). Record
• CDC. About intimate partner violence. cdc.gov
• National Domestic Violence Hotline. thehotline.org