The Role of Aunts and Uncles in a Child's Life

The short answer: a child is richer for having caring aunts and uncles, but the raising belongs to the mother and father. Welcome their help, and be specific about what helps.

When you think of who raises a child, you probably think of parents. But look closer at almost any childhood, and you will find other faces too.

The aunt who taught you to ride a bike. The uncle who always asked about school and actually listened. The cousins you spent every summer with, who knew you better than your school friends did. The great-aunt whose house smelled of baking.

The wider family can be one of a child’s greatest gifts. It can also be a source of tension, especially when relatives disagree with how you parent.

My view holds both sides. A child is richer for having caring adults around them. But the raising belongs to the mother and father. No one fears for a child more than they do. A little input from relatives is good; a lot of it usually slides into domination, through harshness or through leniency. So welcome the aunts, uncles and cousins into your child’s life, and keep the rules of the house in your own hands.

Why the wider family matters

The sociologist Robert Milardo spent years studying aunts and uncles, a relationship he called “the forgotten kin”. His book describes how aunts and uncles “complement the work of parents, sometimes act as second parents,” mentor nieces and nephews, “buffer the relationships of parents and children,” and “act as family historians” (Milardo 2010).

An aunt or uncle can be a trusted adult who is close but not a parent. A teenager who cannot talk to their mother about something may talk to their aunt. A child going through their parents’ separation may find calm in a grandparent’s or uncle’s house.

For a parent raising children alone, an uncle or aunt can also give a child something a single parent cannot: another adult of a different kind to look up to. That is a gift for the child. It is not a replacement for the parent’s role, and the daily load of the house is still best carried by the parent and the children together.

What to say: inviting the wider family in

Be specific about what would help. “Could you pick her up from school on Wednesdays?” is easier to say yes to than “Let me know if you can help.”

Share your child’s world. “She’s really into drawing at the moment. Maybe you could do some together?” Relatives often want to connect but don’t know how.

Name the role you hope they can play. “I’d love it if you could be someone he can talk to, especially as he gets older.”

Thank them, and tell your child why. “Auntie came all this way to see your play. That’s because she loves you.” Children learn to value family relationships partly through how parents talk about them.

Stay connected across distance. Video calls, letters, photos, a shared online game. A cousin across the world can still be part of a child’s life.

What to say: when relatives criticise

Not all wider family involvement is welcome. Sometimes a relative comments on your parenting, the food, the screen time, the discipline, in ways that hurt.

Stay calm and short. A small smile and “of course” in the moment, then do what you had decided. “Thank you. I’ve thought about it, and this is what works for us.”

Each spouse speaks to their own family. If it is your sister, you speak to her. If it is his brother, he does.

Agree on the small things. “You’re right, he does need a coat. Thanks for noticing.”

Hold the line on the important things. “I know you used to smack. We don’t, and I need you not to, either.”

Have the bigger conversations privately. Not in front of the children, and not at a family meal.

What to avoid

Making relatives the enemy in front of the children. Children often love their aunts, uncles and grandparents deeply. Hearing a parent criticise them can feel confusing.

Using children as messengers. “Tell your aunt she can’t come for Christmas.” Adult conversations belong with adults.

Cutting off family in anger without thinking about the children. Sometimes distance is necessary, especially when a relative is unsafe. But when it is about ordinary conflict, try to keep the children’s relationships separate from the adults’ disagreements where you can.

Forcing closeness. A child does not have to hug an uncle they feel uncomfortable with. Respecting a child’s body and feelings is more important than politeness. Offer a wave or a high-five instead.

Expecting relatives to replace a parent. Wider family can help a great deal. They cannot carry everything. A parent who is struggling deeply also needs support for themselves.

When relatives take sides

After a separation or a family conflict, relatives sometimes take sides: an aunt who will not speak to your ex, a grandparent who criticises the other parent in front of the children.

You can set a gentle limit: “I know you’re upset for me. I need you not to talk about their father that way in front of the children. They love him.” Many relatives, once they understand the effect on the children, are willing to change.

After separation

When parents separate, the wider family can become complicated. A child may lose regular contact with one side of the family, along with one parent’s daily presence.

Where it is safe, try to keep your child connected to grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides. These relationships can give a child a sense that their family, though changed, is still wide and still theirs.

When family is not safe

If a relative is unsafe, through violence, abuse, addiction, or behaviour that frightens your child, your child’s safety comes first. Trust your instincts, and listen if your child tells you something has made them uncomfortable. If a child is in danger now, call your local emergency number.

One small step

This week, think of one relative who could play a bigger role in your child’s life. Send them one specific message: an invitation, a photo, or a small request.

A child surrounded by caring adults has more places to stand. And a parent with family behind them has a little more strength to carry the rest.

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Next step

Look at the pattern between the adults. Answer a few questions about what keeps repeating at home, and get a 7-day sheet built from your answers. Pattern Check →

Sources

• Milardo, R. M. (2010). The Forgotten Kin: Aunts and Uncles. Cambridge University Press. Cambridge Core