Why Does My Child Lie About Small Things?

The short answer: children lie about small things more when the truth is expensive. Say what you see instead of setting traps, and don’t lie in front of them yourself, even small lies.

There is chocolate on her face, and she looks you in the eye and says, “I didn’t eat the chocolate.”

Or the toothbrush is bone dry, and he insists he brushed for ages. Or the homework sheet that “the teacher never gave us” turns up crumpled at the bottom of the bag.

Small lies like these can hit a parent surprisingly hard. Be gentle with yourself here: an early lie is usually not a sign of a bad child.

But my view on honesty starts with the adults. Lying in front of children is wrong, even small lies, even “harmless” ones. A child learns honesty mostly by watching it. A parent who says “tell them I’m not home” is teaching more than any lecture about truth. To a child, the mother is the best woman in the world and the father is the hero; when they lie, the child’s idea of right and wrong shakes.

Here are some common beliefs about children’s lies, set beside what research suggests.

Belief 1: “Lying means something is wrong with my child.”

What we know: Lying usually begins very early, and is part of normal development. In one study of two- and three-year-olds who were left alone with a forbidden toy, most peeked. Among those who peeked, about a quarter of the two-year-olds lied about it, while most of the three-year-olds did (Evans & Lee 2013).

The researchers found that children’s executive functioning skills “significantly predicted young children’s tendency to lie”. In other words, an early lie can be a sign of a growing mind: the child has realised that other people do not automatically know what they know, and has the self-control to hold back a truth.

That is not a reason to welcome lying. It is a reason not to panic about it.

Belief 2: “Small lies will turn into big lies if I don’t punish hard.”

What we know: Harsh punishment often teaches a different lesson than intended. It can teach that the truth is dangerous. A child who is severely punished for admitting something may become better at hiding, not more honest.

What tends to help is making the truth safer to tell than the lie. That does not mean no consequences. It means the consequence for the act, the spilled juice, the eaten chocolate, stays small and calm, and telling the truth about it is noticed and appreciated.

Belief 3: “Asking ‘Did you do this?’ is the best way to get the truth.”

What we know: When you already know the answer, the question can set a trap. Faced with chocolate on their face and a parent’s stern voice, many young children will choose the lie that seems to escape trouble.

It often works better to say what you see, calmly: “I see the chocolate is gone, and there’s chocolate on your face. Let’s talk about it.” Then the child has nothing to defend, and you can move to what matters.

Belief 4: “Children who lie don’t care about honesty.”

What we know: Many children lie precisely because they care: about your approval, about not disappointing you, about not being “the naughty one”. Others lie because the punishment for the truth is too big. And some lie simply because it worked last time.

Seeing the reason does not excuse the lie. It tells you where to look. A child who lies to avoid disappointing you may need to hear that mistakes do not make them less loved.

Belief 5: “If I lie a little myself, it doesn’t matter.”

What we know: Children learn honesty mostly by watching it. “Tell them I’m not home.” “Say you’re four so it’s cheaper.” These small adult lies are noticed. You do not have to be perfect, but you can be honest about honesty: “I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t true.”

So what may help?

• Say what you see, don’t set traps. “The cup is broken. Let’s clean it up.”
• Thank the truth, especially when it is hard. “Thank you for telling me. That was brave.”
• Keep consequences small and linked to the act. Clean up the spill. Brush the teeth now.
• Talk about why truth matters, at a calm time. Stories and books can help.
• Look at what made the lie easier than the truth. Fear of your anger? Wish to stay the good child? Or did the lie simply work before?
• Keep your own anger measured. You are disciplining, not tormenting. A child who fears your reaction more than they love your trust will choose the lie. I want a child who tells the truth because they do not want to upset me, out of love, not out of fear.

Lies, stories and imagination

Not every untrue sentence is a lie. Young children often mix wishes, games and reality. “A dragon ate my dinner.” “I have a pony at Grandma’s.” These are usually stories, not attempts to deceive.

You can enjoy the story and gently mark the line: “That’s a great story! What really happened to the dinner?” Over time, children learn the difference between pretending together and saying something untrue to escape trouble.

As children grow, lies can also become more social. A child might say they love a present they dislike, to be kind. Adults do this too, and it is a good moment to talk about honesty and kindness together: how to tell the truth without hurting someone.

What matters most is the direction over time. A child who feels safe to tell you hard truths at seven is more likely to keep telling you at fourteen.

When it is more than small lies

If lying comes with stealing, cruelty, hurting others, or if your child seems anxious, withdrawn or afraid of being at home, it is worth talking to your child’s doctor or a counsellor. If someone is in danger now, call your local emergency number.

A question to carry

The next time your child tells a small lie, before reacting, ask yourself silently: Why was the lie easier than the truth?

Then respond to that, as well as to the lie. And check yourself this week: did your child hear you tell a lie, even a small one? Over time, many children find that the truth gets easier to tell in a home where telling it is safe.

---

Next step

Look at one real evening. Answer a few questions about what happened, and see what may be behind it, with a 7-day sheet to try. Try Tonight’s log →

Sources

• Evans, A. D. & Lee, K. (2013). Emergence of lying in very young children. Developmental Psychology, 49(10). PMC