When Your Daughter Is Being Bullied

The short answer: bullying among girls is often quiet: rumours, being left out, comments about her body or her face. In the years when feelings run strongest, it can break something in her. She needs a mother she can tell everything to, a father who tells her she is capable, and a home that keeps saying she is not less than anyone.

“Is bullying different for girls?”

Often, yes. Boys’ bullying tends to be louder and easier to see. With girls it is more often in words and silence: a rumour, a group chat she is suddenly not in, a table that has no space for her, a comment about her weight or her skin repeated until she believes it.

In the U.S., among students aged 12 to 18 in the 2021–22 school year, more girls than boys said they had been bullied at school: 22 percent against 17 percent, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. The most common kinds overall were rumours and being made fun of or called names.

“Why does it hit her so hard?”

These are the years when a girl’s feelings run strongest, when her body is changing and she is working out who she is. A word at this age doesn’t bounce off. It goes in. A girl who is told for months that she is ugly, stupid or strange can carry that sentence into her twenties.

And she will often hide it, because being left out feels like proof that something is wrong with her, and that is the last thing she wants her parents to see.

“What can her mother do?”

Be the person she tells the truth to. Listen to the end, without jumping in with advice, without “just ignore them”. Don’t belittle anything she says, even if it sounds small to you. To her, it is the whole world.

Ask about the group, not only the incident: who is close to whom, who changed, who used to sit with her. A mother who knows her daughter’s friends knows when something shifts.

“What can her father do?”

Give her strength in words. Tell her she has grown up, that she is wise, that her opinion matters at home. A girl who hears this from her father stops needing to prove it to a group of girls at school.

And go to the school when it is needed. A daughter who sees her father stand up for her in front of people carries that picture for a long time. How to have that meeting is in How to Talk to the School About Bullying.

“What do I say to her?”

Say it often, and mean it:

“You are not less than anyone. And you’re allowed to answer.”

Then help her find her words, the way you would for a son: calm, to their face, eyes up. “Why are you saying that? Does it make you feel better?” Practise at home. More is in Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to a Bully.

If she starts calling herself names (“I’m so ugly”, “I’m so stupid”), don’t argue with a lecture. Turn it lightly: “Hey, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.” A small joke can stop a sentence before it settles. More on that in My Daughter Says “I’m So Stupid”.

“What about online?”

Much of it moves to the phone after school. Know which apps she uses and who she talks to. If there are messages, images or threats: screenshot them, don’t reply, block, and report, to the school and to the app. If someone threatens to share a photo of her, she will not be in trouble for telling you. Say that before it ever happens.

When to get help

Talk to her doctor or school counsellor if she seems low or withdrawn most days for two weeks or more, stops eating with the family, or starts refusing school. If she talks about hurting herself, get help today. If she is in danger, call your local emergency number.

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Next step

Plan the next talk. Check if it is the right moment, and get the first words to say to your daughter. Before you talk → After-school plan →

Sources

• National Center for Education Statistics. Fast Facts: Bullying. nces.ed.gov