Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to a Bully

The short answer: teach your child that they are not less than anyone, and that they are allowed to answer. With words, not fists. Practise the words at home until they come out without thinking.

My view, and it is not the polite one

Many parenting websites stop at “Walk away and tell a teacher.” Telling an adult matters, and I will come back to it. But a child who only ever walks away learns something else too: that they are smaller. That the bully decides.

I want a child to hear this at home, clearly: “You are not less than anyone. You don’t stay silent when someone humiliates you. You answer, to their face.”

Answering doesn’t mean hitting. It means looking at the person and making them feel what they are doing.

The words

Bullies usually want one thing: a laugh from the people watching. So the strongest answer often turns the laugh around. Questions work better than insults:

• “Why are you doing this? To make them laugh?”
• “Do you think this makes people respect you?”
• “You’re making yourself look small, not me.”
• “Everyone has something missing. Is this yours?”

Said calmly, with eyes up, these words make the bully the one being looked at. That is the opposite of what they came for.

A younger child needs shorter words:

• “Stop. I don’t like that.”
• “That’s not funny.”
• “Leave me alone.” Then walk away with their head up, not their eyes down.

Practise at home

A sentence that has never been said out loud will not come out in the playground. So practise. You play the bully. Say the thing that was said to them. Let them answer. Again. Louder. Slower. Standing straight.

It may feel strange at first. Then it becomes a game. Then it becomes theirs.

Practise the body too: feet planted, shoulders back, eyes on the other person’s face, not the floor. Children read bodies faster than words.

Where the line is

• No hitting first. Answering with words is strength. Starting a fight hands the bully a reason to call your child the problem.
• Walking away is not weakness when it is chosen. “I’ve said what I had to say” and leaving with your head up is different from running.
• If there is physical danger, a group, or a weapon, get away and tell an adult straight away. Pride is never worth an injury.
• Telling you or a teacher is not being weak. Say it clearly: “Answering them and telling me are both strong. You can do both.”

Your part

A child stands up straighter when they know someone is standing behind them. Your child needs to see that you will go to the school, that you will take it seriously, and that you are proud of them for speaking up, even if it didn’t go perfectly.

Ask after school: “Did you get to use your words today?” Then say what you saw: “That took courage.”

When to get help

If the bullying goes on despite everything, if your child is hurt, or if they seem low and withdrawn most days for two weeks or more, talk to the school and to their doctor. If they talk about hurting themselves, get help today. If they are in danger, call your local emergency number.

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Next step

Find the sentence. One sentence for the hard moment, and the talk for later. What to say → Before you talk →