Disagreeing About Discipline in Front of the Kids

The short answer: you will disagree about discipline sometimes. Do it in a closed room, never in front of the children, and come out with one decision as a team.

Why do we disagree so much about the children?

Because you were raised by different people. One of you may have grown up with strict rules and quick punishment. The other may have grown up in an easy, relaxed home where most things were allowed. Add differences in temperament and culture, then add tiredness and busy lives, and two loving parents can see the same behaviour completely differently.

I want to say clearly: disagreement is not the problem. Every couple disagrees. The problem is where you disagree, and how.

Is it really so bad to disagree in front of the children?

A calm difference of opinion, settled with respect, can teach children that people can disagree and stay together. That is not what I mean. I mean the open battle over a decision: one parent says no, the other says yes; one punishes, the other cancels it; one says “your father is too harsh” in front of the child.

When that happens, children learn three things quickly. That the rule is not real. That one parent can be used against the other. And that the adults are not together.

A UK review for the government found that conflict between parents, including conflict about children, can affect both the mother-child and father-child relationships, and that children of all ages can be affected (Harold and colleagues 2016).

So what do we do in the moment, if we don’t agree?

My principle is simple. Problems are settled behind a closed door. In front of the children, the parents stand together. If you disagree with your partner’s decision, hold it for now, and say: “We’ll talk about this.” Then go into another room.

You are not hiding the truth from the children. You are protecting something: their sense that the adults are a team, and the picture of each parent in their eyes.

And in the closed room?

You discuss it properly. Each of you says what you are afraid of. Usually the strict parent is afraid the child will grow up spoiled, rude or unprotected. The soft parent is afraid the child will be hurt, crushed or afraid. Both fears are about love.

Then you look for a third decision. Not his, not hers. A decision that takes something from both and satisfies everyone. You come out to your children with that one decision, together.

That third decision is bigger than the father’s picture and bigger than the mother’s picture. It is the family’s decision.

What if one of us is too harsh?

A hair separates firmness from harshness. Discipline is measured. You are disciplining, not tormenting. A consequence ends when it has done its work. Hitting, humiliating, or punishing for weeks is not firmness. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises against spanking, noting it increases aggression and is ineffective (AAP, HealthyChildren).

If your partner is harsh, do not cancel them in front of the child. Take it to the closed room, firmly. If the harshness is violence, that is no longer a disagreement about discipline. Protect the child.

What if one of us is too soft?

A hair also separates kindness from neglect. You can lose a child through deprivation, and you can lose a child through giving too much. Signs that softness has gone too far: the child treats a parent as an equal, becomes rude to people, believes anything comes the moment they get angry. If you see these, the soft parent needs to hear it, in the closed room, without blame.

One of us does all the discipline, and the other is the “fun” parent. Is that a problem?

Yes. It is one of the most common patterns I see. Usually the mother is closer to the child, so she ends up setting all the limits, and the father becomes the one who brings presents and says yes. The child learns that one parent is the police and the other is the escape.

The question for both parents is the same: Are you doing your role? Not the role that is easiest for you. The whole role: love and limits, both.

How do we stop the same fight from coming back every week?

Agree on a few rules in advance, in calm. Bedtime. Screens. How we respond to rudeness. What happens when homework is not done. Write them down. When the rule already exists, nobody has to decide in the heat of the moment, and nobody has to overrule anyone.

And look after the two of you, not only the children. Go out together. Eat together. Talk about something other than the children. Many couples pour everything into the children and forget themselves, and then wonder why they cannot agree on anything.

What if we keep failing?

Then go easy on yourselves and start again. Teams are not built in one conversation. If the disagreements turn into constant blame, insults, or contempt, consider talking to a couples counsellor. If anyone is in danger, call your local emergency number.

One thing to try this week

Choose the one discipline argument that comes back most often. Take it into a closed room, both write down what you are afraid of, and leave with one third decision you will both hold for seven days.

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Next step

Look at the pattern between the adults. Answer a few questions about the disagreements that keep repeating, and get a 7-day sheet for both of you. Pattern Check →

Sources

• Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R. & Chowdry, H. (2016). What Works to Enhance Inter-Parental Relationships and Improve Outcomes for Children. Early Intervention Foundation. PDF
• American Academy of Pediatrics (2018). AAP updates corporal punishment policy. HealthyChildren.org