The Four Horsemen in Marriage: Patterns Children Learn

The short answer: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are four patterns children watch and learn. Complain about the behaviour, not the person, and show them a better way to disagree.

Children learn to speak by listening. They learn their first words from the people around them. And long before they understand what an argument is about, they learn how people argue, from the two people they watch most closely.

They notice the tone. The eye roll. The sigh. The “Here we go again.” The “You never…” Then, one day, you hear your child use the same words, the same tone, with a sibling or a friend, or with you.

My view: don’t criticise each other over nothing. Most of the damage in a marriage is not done in big fights. It is done in small daily remarks, each one minor, together teaching both people to stop reaching. And the example must not shake: when a child watches one parent mock or belittle the other, the picture of both parents shakes, and so does the child.

Four patterns

The marriage researcher John Gottman spent decades watching couples argue. He identified four patterns that were especially damaging to relationships, which he called the Four Horsemen (The Gottman Institute):

• Criticism: not complaining about a behaviour, but attacking the person. In the Institute’s words, “an attack on your partner at the core of their character.”
• Contempt: sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering. It “assumes a position of moral superiority” over the other person. Gottman found that “contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.”
• Defensiveness: responding to a complaint by making excuses or counter-attacking, which is “really a way of blaming your partner.”
• Stonewalling: when one person “withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding.”

These patterns don’t only harm the couple. Children who live with them see a model of how people who love each other speak when they disagree.

What to avoid, and what to say instead

Criticism

Avoid: “You never help with anything. You’re so lazy.”

Say instead: “I’m exhausted, and I need help with the dishes tonight. Can you take them?”

The difference: talk about the problem and what you need, not about what is wrong with the person. Children who hear this learn to ask for help instead of attacking.

Contempt

Avoid: Eye-rolling, mocking voices, “Oh, here comes the expert,” sarcastic laughter, name-calling.

Say instead: Nothing at all in the moment, if you feel contempt rising. Later: “I’m feeling really frustrated with you, and I don’t want to say something unkind. Can we talk later?”

Contempt is the pattern children copy most easily, because it is so visible. A child who sees a parent mocked learns that mocking is how you win. Building the opposite, a habit of respect and appreciation, takes daily small efforts: saying thank you, noticing what your partner does well.

Defensiveness

Avoid: “Well, you’re the one who forgot last time!” “It’s not my fault, I was busy.”

Say instead: “You’re right, I forgot. I’m sorry. Let me sort it out.”

Taking responsibility for even a small part of the problem can calm an argument quickly. Children who see a parent say “You’re right, I’m sorry” learn that admitting a mistake is safe.

Stonewalling

Avoid: Turning away, staring at a phone, leaving the room without a word, refusing to answer for hours or days.

Say instead: “I’m too overwhelmed to talk right now. I need twenty minutes, then I’ll come back.” And then come back.

Taking a break is healthy. Disappearing without explanation is not. Children who see a parent take a break and return learn how to calm down without abandoning a conversation.

What children may be absorbing

Children in homes where these patterns are common may learn:

• that criticism is how you get someone to change;
• that making fun of someone is a way to feel powerful;
• that it is never safe to admit you were wrong;
• that when things get hard, people go silent.

They may use these patterns with siblings, friends, and later, with their own partners and children. That is how patterns pass from one generation to the next.

But children can also learn the opposite, from the same parents, if the parents begin to change.

The positive side

Gottman’s work is not only about what goes wrong. Couples who last tend to keep a strong store of warmth: appreciation, interest, humour, affection. That store helps them weather the hard moments.

For children, this matters too. A child who sees both disagreement and plenty of everyday warmth between their parents learns that conflict is part of love, not the end of it.

If you recognise yourself

Almost every couple uses these patterns sometimes. Recognising them is not a reason for shame. It is a starting point.

You might talk with your partner, at a calm time: “I read about these four patterns. I think I do criticism a lot. Which do you think you do?” Choosing one pattern each to work on can make a real difference.

And you can talk to your children too: “I rolled my eyes at Dad earlier. That wasn’t respectful. I’m working on it.”

For separated parents

These patterns often continue after separation: in messages, at handovers, on the phone. Children still see and hear them. The same alternatives work. The BIFF approach by Bill Eddy, Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm (BIFF Response® is his registered trademark), can help keep messages between separated parents free of criticism and contempt.

When it is more than these patterns

If contempt turns into humiliation, threats, control or violence, this is no longer a communication pattern. It is abuse, and children are harmed by witnessing it. If you or your children are in danger, call your local emergency number.

This week

Choose one of the four patterns, the one you use most. For one week, every time you notice yourself starting it, stop, and try the alternative once.

At the end of the week, ask yourself: What did my children see this week, that they might copy one day?

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Next step

Look at the pattern between the adults. Answer a few questions about the arguments that keep repeating, and get a 7-day sheet. Pattern Check →

Sources

• The Gottman Institute. The Four Horsemen: recognizing destructive communication patterns. gottman.com
• Eddy, B. BIFF Response®. High Conflict Institute.