Disrespectful Teenager: Eye Rolls, Tone and Slammed Doors

The short answer: not all attitude is development, and not all of it should pass. Answer very little to tone, and always answer real disrespect, the same way, calmly.

Go easy on yourselves. The teenager who sighs at every request, rolls their eyes, and closes the door a little too hard is not proof that you raised them badly. It is very often proof that they are growing.

But I will be honest. Not all attitude is development, and not all of it should pass. There is a line. The art is knowing which side of it you are on.

Two things that look alike

Attitude is the sigh, the “fine”, the shrug, the eye roll, the bad mood that fills the kitchen. It is often about nothing. A teenager may be angry because they want to be angry. Not every mood is protecting a deep need, and you do not have to find the reason for each one.

Disrespect is different. It is insulting you, mocking you in front of others, swearing at you, speaking to the other parent or a grandparent as if they were nothing, or treating people outside the home badly. Protecting and raising my child is one thing. Letting them speak badly to people is another.

Attitude gets patience. Disrespect gets a clear line.

My principle: wise overlooking

Good management includes some overlooking. I do not have to notice everything, and I must not make my teenager feel that I comment on everything they do.

A parent who answers every sigh, every tone, every door, turns the home into a court. The teenager stops hearing you, because you are always speaking. Save your words for what matters. When you rarely draw a line, the line is heard.

Fights between parents and teens tend to become less frequent through adolescence, but can feel more heated in the early and middle years (Laursen, Coy & Collins 1998). Many storms pass on their own. Do not build a wall around every one.

What to say

To attitude, very little.

• “Okay.” And carry on.
• “I’ll ask again in ten minutes.” Then do.
• Nothing at all. A raised eyebrow is often enough.

To disrespect, one clear sentence, calmly.

• “You can disagree with me. You can’t speak to me like that.”
• “We’ll talk when you can say it without insults.”
• “Your grandmother is owed respect. Go and fix that.”

Then stop. Leave the room if you need to. The power is in the calm, not the volume.

Later, when things are quiet, the real talk. Not in the middle of the storm. Later, side by side: in the car, on a walk, while cooking. “What happened earlier wasn’t okay. What was going on?” Listen more than you speak.

What to avoid

• Matching their tone. If you shout back, you have taught them that shouting is how adults handle anger.
• Humiliating them in front of others. You want them to keep their image in front of people; keep it for them too.
• Lecturing about how you were at their age. The generation has changed. Their world has screens, pressures and noise ours did not. Learn their language before you judge it.
• Punishing for weeks. A consequence is measured. It ends when its work is done. You are disciplining, not tormenting.
• Threats you will not carry out. Each empty threat teaches that your words do not count.

Check the adults

A teenager learns respect mostly by watching. So the honest question comes back to us: Are we doing our role?

• Do we speak respectfully to each other, in front of them and behind their back?
• Do we keep our promises to them?
• Do we lie in front of them, even small lies? A role model who lies teaches more than any rule.
• Do the two parents hold the same line, or does one laugh at what the other just punished?

If a teenager sees one parent insult the other, they will not take “respect your mother” seriously. The example must not shake.

Agree on limits in advance

Most battles with teenagers come from rules that were never agreed. Sit together, when calm, and agree on a few things: the time to be home, the time phones go away at night, how we speak to each other when angry. Write them down if it helps. A limit agreed in calm is easier to hold in anger.

When it is more than attitude

If the anger includes threats, violence, breaking things, or if you are afraid of your teenager, that is not ordinary attitude. Seek help from a doctor or family support service soon. If your teen seems persistently low, withdrawn, or talks about wanting to die or to hurt themselves, reach a doctor or crisis service today. If someone is in danger now, call your local emergency number.

What you are really teaching

How your teenager speaks to you now becomes how they will speak to a husband or a wife, a manager, a teacher, their own children. You are not only defending your own dignity tonight. You are preparing them for the society they are about to join. Hold the line for that reason, calmly, and they will carry it with them.

Before tomorrow

Choose one kind of attitude you will stop answering this week, and one line of disrespect you will always answer, the same way, calmly. Fewer words, firmer line.

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Next step

Before your next big talk. Answer a few questions about what keeps happening between you and your teen, and get a 7-day sheet for the week ahead. Before you talk → What to say →

Sources

• Laursen, B., Coy, K. C. & Collins, W. A. (1998). Child Development. PubMed