Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: A Practical Guide

The short answer: raising grandchildren brings back school runs and bedtimes. Tell the child the truth at their level, look after your own strength, and ask for support early.

At an age when you expected quiet mornings, there is a small backpack by your door and a grandchild at your kitchen table, because their parents could not care for them.

Go easy on yourself. You are asked to do your role, not to be perfect. And your role now is the parent’s role, in full: love, limits, presence, and an example the child can trust. Do not try to be only the soft grandparent; a child living with you needs the rules a parent gives. And do not try to raise them exactly as you raised your own children forty years ago; the world they live in has changed.

Grandparents raising grandchildren are more common than many people realise. Researchers describe it as “an increasingly prevalent family constellation” (Hayslip & Kaminski 2005). Some grandparents step in for a few months. Some for many years. Grandmothers especially often carry this role.

This guide is in four parts: the child, you, the child’s parents, and the help that exists.

Part 1: The child

Children who come to live with grandparents have usually lost something, even if they are safer now. They may miss a parent who could not care for them. They may feel worried, confused, angry, or guilty. Some feel all of these at once.

What may help:

• Tell the truth, at their level. “Mummy is not well enough to look after you right now. You’ll live with us for a while. We love you and we’ll keep you safe.”
• Expect big feelings. Clinginess, anger, nightmares, or acting younger than their age are common after big changes.
• Build a routine quickly. Regular meals, school, bedtime. Predictability is calming.
• Make a space that is theirs. A bed, a drawer, a place for their things, even in a small home.
• Let them love their parent. Children can love a parent who cannot care for them. Try not to criticise the parent in front of them, even when it is hard.

Part 2: You

Raising a grandchild can bring real joy. Many grandparents say it gives them purpose and closeness they never expected. It can also be exhausting.

The same review looks at both sides: the costs and the benefits of raising a grandchild, and these grandparents’ need for social support (Hayslip & Kaminski 2005).

You may feel:

• Tired. Children have a lot of energy. You may have less than you did at thirty.
• Grief. For your adult child’s struggles, and for the retirement you had planned.
• Isolated. Friends your age may be travelling or resting. Parents at the school gate may be decades younger.
• Worried about money. Childcare, food, clothes and school costs can be a shock on a fixed income.
• Unsure. Parenting has changed. Screens, school systems and advice may be very different from your first time.

What may help:

• Look after your health. Keep up with your own doctor’s appointments and medicines. Your health is now your grandchild’s security.
• Rest when you can. Accept that the house will be less tidy and dinners simpler.
• Let the grandchild carry part of the house. Setting the table, tidying their room, helping with shopping. At your age this is not only practical; it is good upbringing, and it gives a child who has lost a lot a sense that they belong to this home.
• Find your people. Support groups for grandparent carers exist in many places, in person and online. Talking with others in the same position can be a great relief.
• Update gently. Ask the school, a health visitor or a younger relative about anything that has changed since you last raised a child.

Part 3: The child’s parents

This is often the most painful part. Your own child may be struggling with illness, addiction, prison, loss, or simply being unable to cope. You may feel love, anger, shame and worry all at once.

What may help:

• Keep the child’s safety first. If contact with the parent is unsafe, follow professional advice and any court orders.
• Allow safe contact where possible. Calls, letters or supervised visits can help a child keep a bond with their parent.
• Be clear about roles. Who makes decisions about school, health and day-to-day life? Unclear roles can lead to conflict.
• Get legal advice early. Depending on where you live, you may need formal arrangements to make medical or school decisions, or to receive financial support.

When the child asks, “Why can’t I live with Mum?”

This question may come many times, at bedtime, in the car, on birthdays. There is no perfect answer. A short, honest, kind one is usually best: “Mum loves you. She isn’t able to look after you right now. That is not your fault. You’re safe here, and we’re not going anywhere.”

Children often ask the same question again because they need to hear the same answer again. Each calm repetition is a brick in their sense of safety.

Part 4: Help that exists

Many countries have support for kinship carers, though it can be hard to find. It may include:

• financial allowances or benefits;
• legal advice about guardianship or custody;
• school support for children who have been through big changes;
• counselling for the child, and for you;
• respite care, so you can have a break.

Your local social services, your grandchild’s school, your doctor and national kinship-care charities are good places to start. Asking for help is not admitting you cannot cope. It is good care for a child who needs you to keep going.

When to look for more support

If your grandchild seems very distressed for a long time, has trouble sleeping, eating or going to school, or talks about hurting themselves, talk to their doctor or school soon. If you are feeling low, overwhelmed or unwell yourself, talk to your own doctor too. If anyone is in danger now, call your local emergency number.

One small step

This week, find one other grandparent carer, through a school, a charity, or an online group, and have one conversation.

You have stepped up for a child who needed you. You deserve someone who understands, stepping up for you too.

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Next step

See what you are carrying. Answer a few questions about the work in your home, and get a 7-day sheet to set one thing down. Load Map →

Sources

• Hayslip, B. & Kaminski, P. L. (2005). Grandparents raising their grandchildren: a review of the literature and suggestions for practice. The Gerontologist, 45(2), 262. Abstract