How Parents' Respect for Each Other Teaches Children Respect

The short answer: children learn respect from what they see between the adults, not from what they are told. Respect is earned in front of children, not demanded from them.

Parents spend a lot of time teaching children to be respectful. “Say please.” “Don’t interrupt.” “Don’t speak to your sister like that.” “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

But children learn respect mostly by watching. And the place they watch most closely is the relationship between the adults at home.

How does one parent speak when the other makes a mistake? Who gets interrupted? Whose opinion counts at dinner? Who says thank you, and who never hears it? Who decides about money? Is one parent mocked, ignored, or afraid?

Children take notes, without knowing it. Those notes become their idea of how people who love each other behave.

My view: respect is earned in front of children, not demanded from them. A father who insults the mother cannot teach his son to respect women. A mother who mocks the father cannot teach her daughter to respect him. To a child, the mother is the best woman in the world and the father is the hero. Each time one belittles the other, both pictures shake.

Why it matters

Emotional security researchers describe a well-functioning relationship between parents as something that “serves as a secure base” for children (Notre Dame Magazine, on Cummings). Children who feel the adults’ relationship is safe are freer to explore, learn and connect with others.

And the opposite matters too. A review for the UK government found that conflict between parents, at the destructive end, can affect children “in both intact and separated families” (Harold and colleagues 2016).

Respect between parents is not just good for the couple. It is part of the air children breathe.

Here are some everyday moments, before and after.

1. The mistake

Before: One parent burns the dinner. The other says, in front of the children: “Can’t you do anything right?” The children laugh nervously.

After: “Oh no! Never mind, let’s have toast.” Later, the parent who burned it laughs: “I’m a terrible cook tonight.” The children learn that mistakes don’t make you worth less.

2. The opinion

Before: At dinner, one parent shares a view about a news story. The other cuts in: “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” The conversation ends.

After: “I see it differently. What makes you think that?” A disagreement, but a respectful one. The children learn that different opinions can be shared safely at the table.

3. The thank you

Before: One parent cooks, cleans, organises the week. It is never mentioned. It’s just what they do.

After: “Thanks for sorting out all the school stuff this week. I know it’s a lot.” Ten seconds. The children learn that care is noticed, and that the work of the home is real work.

4. The money decision

Before: One parent makes all the money decisions and dismisses the other’s questions: “Don’t worry about it, I’ve handled it.”

After: The parents talk through big decisions together, even briefly, and the children sometimes hear: “Let me check with your mum first,” or “Dad and I will decide together.” The children learn that in a partnership, both voices count.

5. The tired parent

Before: One parent comes home exhausted and snaps. The other snaps back. Within minutes, everyone is shouting.

After: “You look shattered. Sit down for ten minutes, I’ve got the kids.” The children learn that kindness can be a response to someone’s bad mood.

6. Talking about the other parent

Before: When one parent is out, the other complains about them to the children: “Your father is useless,” “Your mother never listens.”

After: Even when frustrated, a parent keeps complaints for adult ears. To the children: “Dad’s working late tonight. He’ll see you in the morning.” The children learn that loyalty doesn’t require putting someone down.

7. After separation

Before: At a school event, separated parents ignore each other, or make cutting remarks.

After: A short “hello”, a nod, sitting in the same row if possible. The children learn that even after a relationship ends, people can treat each other with basic respect.

What children carry

Children who grow up seeing respect between their parents often carry a quiet sense of what a healthy relationship feels like. They may recognise disrespect more quickly in their own relationships, and expect better.

Children who grow up seeing contempt may also learn something: sometimes to repeat it, sometimes to accept it from others. Many adults, looking back, realise that the way their parents spoke to each other shaped what they thought love was.

None of this is fixed. Children can learn a different way, especially if they see their parents change, or hear them name what went wrong: “The way I spoke to your mum was wrong. That’s not how people should treat each other.”

For single parents

If you are raising children alone, they are still learning about respect from you: how you speak about their other parent, how you treat friends and family, how you let others treat you. Setting a boundary calmly, “I won’t be spoken to like that,” teaches as much as any example between two parents.

When it is more than disrespect

If one parent is regularly humiliated, controlled, threatened or afraid, this is not ordinary disrespect. It is abuse, and children are harmed by witnessing it. The CDC lists “witnessing violence in the home” among adverse childhood experiences (CDC). Support is available. If you or your children are in danger, call your local emergency number.

One small step

This week, choose one “after” from this list, and practise it at least three times in front of your children. Then notice: do your children speak to each other, and to you, any differently?

Respect is not only taught. It is shown.

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Next step

Look at the pattern between the adults. Answer a few questions about what keeps repeating, and get a 7-day sheet for both of you. Pattern Check →

Sources

• Notre Dame Magazine (2006). Don’t fight, compromise, on Cummings, E. M. magazine.nd.edu
• Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R. & Chowdry, H. (2016). What Works to Enhance Inter-Parental Relationships and Improve Outcomes for Children. Early Intervention Foundation. PDF
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About adverse childhood experiences. cdc.gov