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What If My Child Is the Bully?

The school calls, and this time your child is the one hurting others. The first question to ask yourself, the signs, and how to deal with it firmly, without hands.

By MOH. SAMY · Reviewed 20 October 2026 · 3 min read

The short answer: first look at home: has your child seen you, or another adult, mock or belittle people? If yes, that changes first. If not, deal with it with full firmness, without hands, and make your child repair the harm.

It is one of the hardest phone calls a parent gets. Most of us are ready to defend our child. Very few of us are ready to hear that our child is the one doing the hurting.

The mirror first

Before anything else, ask yourself one honest question: where did my child learn this?

Children copy what they see far more than what they hear. If at home they hear a parent mock a neighbour’s clothes, laugh at someone’s accent, call a relative stupid, or make fun of a sibling “only joking”, they have been taught how bullying sounds. They are not inventing it. They are repeating it.

So check, honestly:

  1. Do I make fun of people in front of my children?
  2. Does anyone in the house, a parent, an older sibling, a relative, belittle others and get a laugh for it?
  3. Is my child being bullied somewhere else, and passing it on?

If the answer to any of these is yes, that is where you start. A consequence for the child while the adult keeps doing it will not hold.

If it didn’t come from home

If no adult taught it, and your child picked it up and chose it, then this is a moment for firmness. Real firmness. Not hitting, never. But your child must see that you are not easy about this.

Say it to their face, plainly:

“Never think you are above other people. You are not. The person you laughed at may be better than you at something you can’t do. When you belittle someone, you are the one who becomes small.”

Then:

  • A real consequence, tied to the harm. Time with the friends they showed off to, the phone they used, the outing that was planned. Not everything at once, and not forever. See punishment vs consequence.
  • Repair. An apology to the child they hurt, in a way that is real, not forced into a mumble. A younger child can draw something, write a short note, or say it with you standing by.
  • The school knows you are dealing with it. Tell them what you have done. Ask them to tell you if it happens again.

The signs to watch for

StopBullying.gov lists signs that a child may be bullying others. Among them, children who:

  • “Get into physical or verbal fights”
  • “Have friends who bully others”
  • “Are increasingly aggressive”
  • “Blame others for their problems”
  • “Don’t accept responsibility for their actions”
  • “Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity”

The last one often sits at the root. Many bullies are performing for an audience. They want to be the one people laugh with, so they find someone to laugh at.

After the firmness, the talk

When things are calm, a day or two later, ask what was going on. “What did you get from it?” “Who was watching?” “How would you feel if it was your sister?” Often the real story comes out then: wanting to fit in, being bullied themselves, something going wrong at home.

Firmness first, understanding after. Both are needed. Neither is enough alone.

When to get help

If the behaviour keeps going despite firm consequences, if it includes threats, violence or cruelty to animals, or if your child seems angry or low most days, talk to the school counsellor or their doctor.

Next step

Find a consequence that teaches. One broken rule in, one linked consequence out, with the words. Consequence finder → Balance Check →

Sources