When a Teacher Bullies Your Child

The short answer: a strict teacher holds a line. A bullying teacher humiliates a child in front of others, again and again. If you see that pattern, write it down, go to the school, and if nothing changes, go higher. Never tell your child to just put up with it.

This is the hardest kind of bullying to talk about, and one of the most damaging. When another child mocks your son, he can hope an adult will step in. When the adult is the one mocking him, who is left?

It happens more than we like to think

In a survey of teachers reported by Learning for Justice in 2011, “45 percent of sampled teachers said they had bullied a student at some point in their careers.” Researchers led by Stuart Twemlow, writing in 2006 in a paper called Teachers Who Bully Students: A Hidden Trauma, found that teachers who had been bullied when young were more likely to bully students themselves.

Most teachers give their lives to children. But a few, on some days or every day, use their power to shame. And a child has very little power to answer back.

Strict or bullying?

A strict teacher:

• has clear rules, the same for everyone
• corrects the behaviour, in a normal voice
• gives the child a way back

A bullying teacher:

• makes a child the joke of the class
• mocks their name, their looks, their accent, their family or their mistakes
• shouts at one child far more than others
• uses the child’s grade or punishment as a threat
• is kind in front of parents and different behind the door

The key word is pattern. One bad day is a bad day. Weeks of the same child being shamed is something else.

Why children don’t tell

A teacher is an adult with authority. Many children assume the adult must be right, so they must be the problem. Others fear that telling will make it worse. Some have learned at home that “the teacher is always right”, and so they say nothing at all.

If your child suddenly hates one subject, gets stomach aches only on certain days, or says “Mr. X hates me”, don’t brush it off. Ask what happens in that class.

What to do

1. Listen and write it down. What was said, when, who heard it. Ask if other children noticed. Children from the same class often confirm it.
2. Ask for a meeting with the teacher, and with someone above them. Stay calm. Describe what happened, not what you think the teacher is.
3. Say the line. “If my son misbehaves, tell me and I will deal with it. But nobody humiliates him in front of the class.”
4. Follow up in writing the same day. Keep a copy.
5. If it continues, go to the head of the school. Ask for a change of class if needed. Some districts and countries have a formal complaints process beyond the school.

Protect your child’s picture of themselves

While you deal with the school, the child needs to hear at home: “What that teacher said is not who you are.” A child shamed by an adult often believes it more than if a classmate said it. Your voice has to be louder.

And don’t make the opposite mistake of teaching your child that all teachers are enemies. Most are not. One adult behaving badly doesn’t cancel the respect the rest deserve.

When to get help

If your child refuses school, is losing sleep, seems low for two weeks or more, or talks about hurting themselves, talk to their doctor. If they are in danger, call your local emergency number.

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Next step

Get the words ready for the meeting. One sentence for the hard moment, and the talk for later. What to say →

Sources

• Koenig, D. (2011). Bully at the Blackboard. Learning for Justice. learningforjustice.org
• Twemlow, S. W., Fonagy, P., Sacco, F. C., Brethour, J. R. (2006). Teachers Who Bully Students: A Hidden Trauma. International Journal of Social Psychiatry, 52(3), 187-198.