Writing an Unsent Letter: The Words I Never Said

The short answer: the words you never said can weigh for years. Writing them in a letter you never send can lighten them, and help you decide what, if anything, to say out loud.

Dear reader,

You have a message saved somewhere. Maybe in your notes app, maybe in your drafts, maybe only in your head.

It begins, perhaps, with I never told you… or I needed you to… or I’m sorry that… or Why did you…

It is for your partner, who doesn’t seem to see how tired you are. Or for the father of your children, who left. Or for the mother of your children, who you still can’t speak to without a fight. Or for your own mother or father, about something that happened long ago. Or for your child, about a night you wish had gone differently.

You have never sent it. You may never send it. This letter is about those words.

Why the words stay unsaid

There are good reasons not to send some messages.

Sometimes saying it would cause a fight you cannot afford right now, especially if you still share children, a home, or a court process. Sometimes the person cannot hear it. Sometimes you are not sure yet what you really feel. Sometimes the person is gone.

So the words stay inside. And words that stay inside do not disappear. They often come out sideways: in a sharp reply about something small, in a sleepless night, in a heaviness you cannot quite name.

Writing, even if you never send it

There is a long line of research on what is called expressive writing. In the original studies by James Pennebaker and colleagues, people wrote about their deepest thoughts and feelings on a difficult experience, for about fifteen to twenty minutes a day, over a few days. Many later studies have followed. A large review of this research found small but real benefits on average for people’s well-being (Frattaroli 2006).

The writing in these studies was private. Nobody read it. The benefit did not come from the other person hearing it. It came from the writer putting the feelings into words.

So you do not have to send the message for the words to matter.

How to write the unsent letter

Choose one person. Only one. The person whose name made your chest tighten when you read the list above.

Find fifteen quiet minutes. After the children are asleep. In the car, before going in. Early in the morning.

Write without editing. Begin with “Dear…” and keep going. Write what happened, what you felt then, what you feel now. Write the anger, the sadness, the love, the confusion. Spelling doesn’t matter. Fairness doesn’t matter. Nobody will read it.

End with what you need. “What I needed from you was…” Often, the deepest part of an unsent letter is not the blame. It is the need underneath it.

Then decide what to do with it. Keep it. Tear it up. Burn it safely. Write another tomorrow. The writing is the point.

What you may find

Some people find, after writing, that the anger was covering hurt. Some find that the message they really need to send is much shorter and calmer than the one they drafted. Some find that they don’t need to send anything at all.

And some find a sentence they do want to say, to a partner or ex-partner, in a way that might be heard.

Words for the children

Some unsent words are for our children. I’m sorry I shouted that night. I’m sorry you had to see us fight. I’m sorry I wasn’t there more.

These words can be sent, in a simple and loving form, at any age. A child of six can hear: “I’m sorry I shouted yesterday. It wasn’t your fault.” A teenager can hear: “I’ve been thinking about when your dad and I split up. I know it was hard for you. You can always talk to me about it.”

You do not need to explain everything. Children rarely need the full story. They need to know that the adult has seen what happened, and still holds them.

I believe apology is part of authority, not the loss of it. A parent who names their own mistake to a child does not shrink in the child’s eyes. The parent who pretends a mistake was right is the one whose picture shakes.

One warning for words about the other parent: write them all in the unsent letter, and send none of them to the children. A child tends to side with the parent being criticised. The table turns on the one who speaks badly.

For the father or mother who lives apart from their children, a short card or message can carry these words across the distance. Some parents write a letter to keep for the child to read when they are older.

If you decide to send something

If, after writing, you want to say something to the other person, it can help to:

• Wait a day. Read it again when you are calmer.
• Keep it short. One or two important points, not a list.
• Speak about yourself. “I felt alone when…” rather than “You always…”
• Name what you need. “It would help me if…”
• With a former partner, especially when you share children, Bill Eddy’s BIFF approach can help: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm (BIFF Response® is his registered trademark).

When writing is not enough

Writing can open up strong feelings. If it leaves you very distressed, take a break, and talk to someone you trust. If old memories are overwhelming, or the unsaid words are about abuse or harm, a counsellor or therapist can help you carry them safely. If you feel in danger, or have thoughts of harming yourself, call your local emergency number or a crisis line now.

Tonight

Take a piece of paper, or a new note on your phone. Write one line only:

“Dear ____, the thing I never told you is…”

Then keep going, for fifteen minutes. Nobody will read it. Nobody needs to.

The words have been waiting a long time. Let them out somewhere safe.

With care,

Our Family Blueprint

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Next step

Look at the pattern between the adults. Answer a few questions about what keeps repeating, and get a 7-day sheet. Pattern Check → Two homes →

Sources

• Frattaroli, J. (2006). Experimental disclosure and its moderators: a meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 132(6). PubMed
• Pennebaker, J. W. & Beall, S. K. (1986). Confronting a traumatic event. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 95(3).
• Eddy, B. BIFF Response®. High Conflict Institute.