Your Teenager's First Crush, and First Heartbreak

The short answer: a first crush is real to them. Don’t tease and don’t dismiss, know who they spend time with, and when it ends, say “That sounds really hard” instead of “You’ll get over it.”

Your daughter goes red when one name comes up. Your son is on his phone, smiling, at midnight. Or a child who was cheerful last week has gone silent, and you find out later that “it ended”.

First feelings are real feelings. To a thirteen-year-old they are as big as anything an adult feels. How you respond now decides whether you hear about the next one.

First, calm down

Most teenagers are not dating. In a Pew Research Center survey of U.S. teens aged 13 to 17, “Some 64% of teens indicate that they have never been in a romantic relationship of any kind” (Pew Research Center, 2015). You don’t need to panic, and you don’t need to push.

Before: build the door now

• Don’t tease, and don’t dismiss. “Ooh, who’s your boyfriend?” in front of the family, or “You’re too young for that nonsense”, closes the door for years.
• Start sideways. “Are any of your friends going out with anyone?” Listen. Ask one question without giving your opinion. If you get nothing, try again in a few weeks.
• Say your values early and calmly, before there is a name attached. Then you are talking about principles, not attacking a person.

The embrace at home

I say this especially about girls, and it is true for boys too: a child who finds warmth, attention and respect at home looks for them less outside. A daughter whose mother listens to her and whose father tells her she is wise and valued is far harder to fool with a few nice messages. A son whose father spends time with him needs less proof from outside that he matters.

If you want to protect your child from the wrong person, the strongest protection is not a ban. It is a full heart at home.

During: know who it is

You don’t need to read messages. You do need to know who your child spends time with and talks to: their name, their age, what they are like, who their friends are. Ask with interest, not suspicion. Meet them if it is possible.

Take it seriously if you notice:

• extreme jealousy, checking your child’s phone, or controlling who they see
• your child pulling away from friends and family
• sudden changes in mood, personality or grades
• unexplained injuries, or your child seeming afraid of the other person

If you see these, talk calmly, and get help. There is more on this in the article on teenage dating.

After: the first heartbreak

A breakup at fifteen can hurt like a real loss. What you say in the first days matters more than anything you said before.

• Not: “You’ll get over it.” “There are plenty of fish in the sea.” “I told you so.”
• Instead: “That sounds really hard.” “Do you want to talk, or do you want company?”
• Then: ordinary time together. A drive, a meal out, a film. No lectures.

Never use what they told you against them later. If the story of their first heartbreak becomes a family joke, there won’t be a second story.

What they are practising

First relationships are practice for the big ones: how to be treated, how to treat someone, how to end something with dignity. You are preparing a future husband or wife. Let them practise with you close by.

When to get help

If a breakup leaves them low or withdrawn most days for two weeks or more, if someone is controlling or frightening them, or if they talk about hurting themselves, talk to their doctor or a school counsellor. If they talk about hurting themselves, get help today. If they are in danger, call your local emergency number.

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Next step

Plan the talk. Check if it is the right moment, and get the first words to say to your teenager. Before you talk →

Sources

• Pew Research Center (2015). Basics of teen romantic relationships. pewresearch.org