When Grandparents Have a Favourite Grandchild
One grandchild gets the gifts, the praise and the attention, and another notices. How to raise favouritism with grandparents without a family war, and what to say to the child who feels left out.
The short answer: children notice favouritism at once, even when adults think it’s hidden. Smile in the moment, then the parent whose family it is speaks to the grandparents privately and calmly. And tell your child the truth: the difference is about the adults, not about them.
It may be the first grandchild, the one who looks like someone, the son over the daughter, or the cousin who lives nearer. It may be gifts, praise, photos on the wall, or simply who gets asked about.
What the children see
More than you think. A child who is always second learns, slowly, that they are worth less. A child who is always first learns that they are worth more. Neither lesson is good for them.
In the moment
Smile. Say “of course”. Don’t argue in front of the children. A family scene at a gathering puts the child in the middle of something they didn’t cause.
Later, in private
The parent whose family it is speaks to them, alone and calmly. Your parents are yours to speak to; your partner’s parents are your partner’s.
Something like: “We know how much you love the children. We’ve noticed that [name] sometimes gets more, and [name] has noticed it too. It would mean a lot if the gifts and the attention were the same for all of them.”
Don’t accuse. Describe. Most grandparents don’t realise how it looks to a child. Some will change at once. Some won’t.
To the child who feels left out
Don’t pretend it isn’t happening. Children trust you less when you deny what they see.
“You’re right, Grandma does seem to give your cousin more. I don’t think that’s fair, and I’ve talked to her about it. It’s not because of anything you did. You are just as important, to me and to this family.”
Then make sure that, at home, they are never second.
When it doesn’t change
If it carries on, you can’t control the grandparents. You can control your home. Make your own house the place where every child is treated the same: the same attention, the same pride, the same place at the table. Children carry what they learn at home much more than what they see at a grandparent’s.
What you are teaching
How you handle this teaches your children how to handle unfairness for the rest of their lives: calmly, honestly, without cutting people off, and without accepting being treated as less.
Next step
Agree the lines with the wider family. See where to start and the three lines to ask for. Care agreement →