Helping a Child Through Grief: Age by Age

The short answer: in grief, a child needs the truth and a steady adult more than perfect words. Answer their questions simply, as many times as they ask.

There is no good way to tell a child that someone they love has died. And yet, one day, many parents have to.

Perhaps it is a grandparent. Perhaps a parent. Perhaps a brother or sister, an aunt, a friend, a pet. Perhaps you are grieving yourself, and also have to find the words for your child, while your own heart is breaking.

My view, before the guide: in grief, a child needs the truth and a steady adult more than perfect words. Children who are kept in the dark often imagine worse. Children who see a parent cry, and still see that parent stand, learn that sadness can be carried. You do not have to be strong all the time. You do have to stay present, and stay honest.

This article is a gentle guide, age by age.

What helps at every age

Tell the truth, early. The Welsh Government’s parenting guidance says “it is always best to be honest with children about what is happening as soon as possible” (Welsh Government, Parenting. Give it time.). Children often sense when something is wrong, and silence can frighten them more than the truth.

Use clear words. “Grandad has died. His body stopped working and he can’t come back.” Words like “passed away”, “lost”, “gone to sleep” may comfort adults, but the same guidance notes that children “may find those other words more confusing.” A child told that Grandad “went to sleep” may become afraid of sleeping.

Answer questions simply. Children may ask the same question many times. Answer each time, calmly.

Let them see your feelings. It is okay to cry in front of children. “I’m sad because I miss Grandad. It’s okay to be sad.” It shows them that grief is normal, and that feelings can be shared.

Keep routines. School, meals, bedtime. Familiar routines help children feel safe.

Expect grief to come and go. Many children seem fine one minute, playing happily, and sad the next. Some people describe children’s grief as “puddle jumping”: stepping in and out of sadness. This is normal.

Under 5

What they may understand: Very young children do not understand that death is permanent. They may ask when the person is coming back, many times.

What they may show: Clinginess, sleep changes, tantrums, acting younger, or asking repeatedly where the person is.

What may help:

• Short, simple, repeated explanations.
• Comfort, cuddles, extra closeness.
• Keeping routines as steady as possible.
• Photos and simple stories about the person.

Ages 5 to 8

What they may understand: Children start to understand that death is permanent, but may believe their thoughts or actions caused it, or that it could happen to them or to you soon.

What they may show: Worry about other people dying, questions about death, magical thinking (“If I’m really good, will Grandad come back?”), stomach aches, trouble concentrating at school.

What may help:

• Gently tell them it was not their fault.
• Reassure them about who looks after them.
• Answer “what happens when you die” questions honestly, in line with your family’s beliefs.
• Tell the school, so teachers can support them.

Ages 9 to 12

What they may understand: Children understand death more fully, including that it happens to everyone.

What they may show: They may hide feelings to protect you, act very grown-up, or show anger, worry, or trouble at school. Some become very interested in the details of how the person died.

What may help:

• Let them know their feelings are welcome, including anger.
• Involve them in remembering: a memory box, a story book, a special place.
• Ask if they want to be part of the funeral or memorial, and prepare them for what they will see.

Teenagers

What they may understand: Teenagers understand death as adults do, but may have fewer ways to cope with it.

What they may show: Withdrawing, spending more time with friends, risky behaviour, anger, or seeming not to care. Some teens take on adult roles in the family, especially after a parent’s death.

What may help:

• Respect their need for privacy, but keep the door open.
• Let them grieve in their own way, with friends, music, writing, or sport.
• Watch for them carrying too much: looking after you or siblings as if they were the parent.
• Offer outside support: a counsellor, a bereavement group for teens.

When you are grieving too

If you have lost your partner, your parent, or your child, you are grieving at the same time as supporting your children. That is one of the hardest things a person can do.

You do not have to be strong all the time. Let other adults help: family, friends, school, bereavement services. Children are often comforted to know that the grown-ups have support too.

If you are a single parent who has lost a partner, or a separated parent whose child has lost their other parent, the weight may feel unbearable. Please reach out for help for yourself, not only for your children.

When to get more help

The Welsh Government guidance notes that “where a need is identified, seeking counselling support from a trained specialist can be helpful.” Specialist charities for bereaved children exist in many countries. Talk to your child’s doctor or school if grief seems to stop your child from functioning for a long time, if they talk about wanting to die to be with the person, or if they show signs of serious low mood. If you or your child are thinking of ending your life, or are in danger, call your local emergency number or a crisis line now.

One small step

In the weeks after a loss, choose one small way to remember the person together: lighting a candle, looking at photos, cooking their favourite meal, telling one story each.

Grief does not end. But children who are allowed to remember, to ask, and to feel, usually learn to carry it, with the people who love them beside them.

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Sources

• Welsh Government. Helping children deal with bereavement. Parenting. Give it time. gov.wales