Sandwich Generation: Caring for an Ill Parent and Your Kids

The short answer: caught between an ill parent and your own children, you can’t do everything. Tell the children the truth simply, let them help if they want, and ask for help yourself.

Dear reader,

Your phone rings at work. It is the hospital, or your father’s neighbour, or your mother herself, confused and frightened. You leave early. You drive to the hospital, then to the pharmacy, then to pick up the children, then home to make dinner, check homework, answer messages from your siblings, and lie awake wondering how long you can keep doing this.

You are caught in the middle. Your parents, who once looked after you, now need looking after. Your children still need you every day. And you are only one person.

This letter is for you.

You are not alone in this

Many parents are in this place. In the United States, a 2021 survey found that “more than half” of adults in their 40s “have a living parent age 65 or older” and are raising a young child or supporting a grown child (Pew Research Center 2022). People call it the sandwich generation.

In many families, and many cultures, the caring falls most heavily on daughters and daughters-in-law, often while they are also mothers and workers. For a parent raising children alone, there may be no partner to share either load.

The weight you feel is not a sign that you are doing it wrong. It is a sign of how much you are carrying.

The guilt that pulls both ways

You may feel guilty all the time. When you are at the hospital, you think of your children waiting at home. When you are at home, you think of your mother alone in her bed. When you snap at your children, you feel guilty. When you cannot visit your father, you feel guilty.

Guilt that pulls in two directions at once can be exhausting, because it never rests. Whatever you do, someone seems to be missing out.

It may help to say this to yourself, plainly: I cannot be in two places at once. I am asked to do my role, not to succeed at everything.

What your children may feel

Children notice when a grandparent is ill, even if no one tells them. They may feel worried, sad, confused or frightened. They may also feel angry or jealous that you are away so much, and then guilty for feeling that.

Tell them the truth, simply. “Grandma is ill. The doctors are looking after her. I’m going to visit her a lot, so sometimes I’ll be home later.”

Let them help, if they want to. A drawing for the hospital room, a phone call, a short visit if appropriate.

Keep some routines steady. Dinner, bedtime, a story. Small, regular things tell children that their world is still safe.

Keep a little time that is just theirs. Even fifteen minutes. It tells them they have not been forgotten.

What you may need

Help from siblings and relatives. If you have brothers or sisters, ask them to share the load fairly. Be specific: “Can you take the Tuesday hospital visit?” Many families fall into one person doing everything without anyone deciding it.

Your partner, doing their role. If you share your home with a partner, this is a season for them to carry more of the house, not as a favour but as their role.

Your children, carrying their part. Children can carry more of the house in a hard season: cooking simple meals, helping younger siblings, tidying without being asked. It teaches them that a family faces illness together, and it gives them a way to help when they feel helpless.

Information. Ask the hospital or doctor what support exists for carers: respite care, carers’ allowances, home help, social workers.

Rest. Sleep is not a luxury. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot drive safely on no sleep.

Someone to talk to. A friend, a carers’ support group, a counsellor. You may be carrying grief already, even while your parent is alive.

For the father in the middle

Fathers are carers too. Many sons care for ill parents while raising children, and sometimes feel they have less permission to say it is hard. If this is you, the same is true: you are allowed to ask for help, to share the load with siblings, and to talk about how tired you are.

If you are separated, and your children’s grandparent on the other side is ill, it can help to tell the other parent kindly, and to support your children’s contact with that grandparent where you can. Children often want to say goodbye, or to keep a connection while there is still time.

Setting limits with love

It is okay to say:

• “I can visit on Monday and Thursday, but not every day.”
• “I can manage her medicines, but I need someone else to do the shopping.”
• “I can’t take him into my home. We need to look at other care.”

Setting limits is not abandoning your parent. It is making sure you can keep going, for them and for your children.

When it becomes too heavy

If you notice constant exhaustion, low mood, anger you cannot control, or feeling that you cannot cope, please talk to a doctor about yourself too. Carers often forget that they are patients too. If you are ever afraid you might hurt your children or your parent, step away, keep everyone safe, and call someone straight away. If anyone is in danger, call your local emergency number.

This week

Make a list of everything you do for your parent and for your children. Then circle one thing a sibling could take for your parent, and one thing your partner or children could take at home. Hand both over this week.

You love them all. You do not have to carry them all by yourself.

With respect for everything you hold,

Our Family Blueprint

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Next step

See what you are carrying. Answer a few questions about the work in your home, and get a 7-day sheet to set one thing down. Load Map →

Sources

• Pew Research Center (2022). More than half of Americans in their 40s are “sandwiched” between an aging parent and their own children. pewresearch.org